I’m dealing with some things and i dont know if its abuse or if im just being dramatic.
To start off, I’m a fourteen year old girl dealing with some… Stuff, that im not sure if i should talk sbout it to someone, not like i can. I’ll just start with a example i have. i have this thing that happened a few days ago and i cant talk to anyone irl about it. i forgot about a grade in my class and got a zero, and i got set off and was breaking down (i know, pathetic, i was silent so people wouldnt notice) the whole period because im terrified of my parents finding out. if i get an 80% on something i get grounded or worse, so a zero makes me panic. during class all i could think was “im going to die, im a piece of sh*t, what are my parents going to think, everyone hates me.” later in algebra i didn’t understand what i was doing and nobody was helping, so i started tearing up and losing control again and felt completely dissociated from my emotions the rest of the day. my friend tried to get me to tell a school counselor, but i can’t because my parents are in contact with every adult i know and id be terrified of them finding out.
there’s a lot of other things about my parents too. i feel safer when they aren’t home. when they are here, anytime they say my name feels like a confrontation. one time me and my dad got in an argument and he literally told me im the reason he has depression. when i told my mom she didn’t believe me and took his side, and my brother refused to back me up. now i feel like no one trusts me, and it makes me apologize constantly, worry about saying the wrong thing, and overanalyze every conversation to see if i did something wrong.
at home, i have zero privacy. there is a camera in my room connected to my parents’ phones that records me, and i get yelled at if i cover it. my dad shouts a lot and curses at me, telling me to shut up (which, granted, im a teen, i can handle it, but the.. Well, loudness and tone of how he says it scares me sometimes), so i don’t retaliate anymore. my phone shuts off at 4pm and blocks any number not saved, and my brother has all my school passwords so he tracks my grades and reports them to my mom. when my mom talks about the pressure, she turns it into an attack on her and says i have to live up to her expectations because she does everything for me.
lately i’ve been shutting down my emotions when they push me too far, and then they say i broke their trust because i won’t talk. i also don’t want them to hug me unless i initiate it, but they force physical contact anyway or guilt trip me. i also have severe insomnia now because my mind won’t stop running, and im up until 4am before i can even try to sleep.
recently at school and in stores everything feels too loud, too close, and i get so overstimulated and feel a tight painful feeling in my throat and watering eyes, but i can’t step away. I read an article about parents having the right to search rooms and restrict cellphones, and now i feel terrible and keep wondering if im just being dramatic and if all of this is my fault. is this normal or a panic attack? am i deserving of something better? This is only a bit of it, i feel like this is just me suffering mental illness or something, and that i have no business being on here when there’s other people who actually might need help more than i do, but there’s my view. I just dont know what to do.
HELP YOURSELF:
- First thing I want to say is thank you, for having the courage to reach out to TeenCentral for guidance. Often times, reaching out for help is very difficult, so be proud of yourself for making that big step.
- What you have described about your relationship with your parents seems very stressful and hurtful. Have you ever sat down and talked to them about how you truly feel? I know you stated you don’t feel comfortable talking to them. Often times, doing this helps each of you to see where the other is coming from. Start with asking them to have a heart to heart conversation. Explain that you just need to talk about how you are feeling and see if they are open to doing that.
- No one is perfect! Remember that! All anyone can do is their best. Expressing yourself to your parents about how you feel about things can go a long way for each of you to fully understand each other.
- Abuse is never ok! If you find yourself needing guidance or resources below is a number you can call for help. Support to all individuals in crisis:
Crisis Textline. Counselors are available 24/7 by texting the word HOME to 741741. You can also visit their website at www.crisistextline.org.
Another great resource is the National Suicide Hotline. Counselors are also available 24/7 by calling 988 from your phone or by visiting their website at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
SOME PLACES TO ASK FOR HELP:
- Your teachers, guidance counselors, church and trusted adults they are there for you! Reach out to one or all of them. At some schools, you can even make an in-person appointment to talk directly with someone face to face.
CONSIDER THIS:
- Journaling before you speak to get your thoughts out on paper might be a good way of expressing yourself. You could use this to prepare you for a talk with your parents or someone you trust.It is very important to work on yourself and feel more confident in how you communicate with others. In the Tools section there is also a tab called Positive Self Talk here: 016_0028G_TCPositiveTalkTool.pdf. Check out ways you can improve how you feel about yourself.
- You might also find some use out of our LEARN section on Is it a Right or is it a Privilege? – TeenCentral
- Always, remember to keep your chin up and look for solutions that will work best for you. Keep growing and keep learning that’s how we get better! YOU GOT THIS!
