I was first molested in kindergarten. I used to share the same bed as my grandma throughout elementary. She molested me a lot, at night and day time, it was a daily thing. ( Explicit Content) . I cant get the image or feeling out my mind, it scarred me. They both never said anything about it again. And I was also molested by my step dad (explicit content) . I went through years of forcing myself to try and stay awake, even when I wasnt living with my step dad anymore, I used to have somniphobia, sleeping was scary and anxious for me. I was molested like it was a normal thing, my private areas were groped all the time. Sometimes I was hit, mostly by my brother, I remember getting many bruises on my arms, legs, and even face. He has anger issues. Then sometime in middle school was when I told my mama about the step dad thing and then we moved out, without our step dad and even grandma. I still had to live with my brother though. My mama and aunt used to grope me sometimes too. They thought it was a funny and normal thing to do. My biological father once gave me a hickey on the neck, I was like 10 years old. The first year when I met him he would constantly kiss and suck on my neck, he stopped after accidentally giving me a hickey. ( explicit ). I used to cut myself on a daily basis. I used to cry and have breakdowns almost everyday, Cutting myself used to be some kind of addiction to me, I just wanted someone to care and notice even though I would hide it. I wanted to hurt myself, I felt so guilty, I felt like a dirty slut. I haven’t killed myself yet, I’m surprised I haven’t. I tried therapy for about 3-4 years and also cocounseling. I was once prescribed anit-depressants. But I stopped getting help because it never worked and I was never allowed to talk about the abuse with the therapist or else I would’ve been taken into a foster home and my family would hate me. Child Services went to see and talk to my family about 7-8 times throughout elementary and middle school and each time we had to lie. My family made foster home seem so scary but I think it would’ve been better than what I had to live with. The more I think about it the more I wanna cry. I don’t know why my family cared about their reputation more than the fact I was getting abused on a daily basis. It was so traumatizing to go through this stuff, I thought it was a normal thing and I’m used to it by now. I’m glad it all started at such a young age because if it started later on in life then I would be even more traumatized since it wouldn’t come natural to me. That sounds really bad but it’s the truth. I know it’s not normal but it became normal for it to happen towards me. It’s terrible. Throughout my childhood my family have always struggled with money. At first we lived with our aunt at her house and then we went into an apartment and kept moving rooms, then we went to a motel. The motel was the worst of all. We struggled to live well for many years, we once had to live in a car for a week, thank god it was only a week. The apartment was when I had to share the same room as my grandma and brothers. The motel was so small, there was only one main room and one small bathroom. Our mattresses were on the ground and we could barely walk anywhere, there were no privacy whatsoever. No kitchen, only a fridge in the same room. And my step dad made living even more hell. In elementary we all struggled to get food. Sometimes I would refuse to eat so my family could eat more, sometimes I didn’t eat for days, I could only eat peacefully at school. The more I think about it the more worse it seems. I had such horrible anxiety, at home and at school. I didn’t feel safe anywhere. I hated school and home. I laughed and smiled a lot, hoping it would make me more happy but I was never truly happy. At school kids were rude for no reason, so much drama, at home my family were struggling and my step dad was abusive. He yelled a lot and would kick us out the house almost everyday so he could take a nap in peace and my family would have to do something, anything to keep ourselves busy. We would keep having to move out the motel and move back in with our step dad. My mama only stayed with him so we had a place to live, when we didn’t live with him then we would stay at a nearby motel. Everything was so scary and we always had to try and make ourselves happy. I still remember how scared I was, I was terrified 24/7. I never found my safe space. My brothers were older so they would leave school before me, so it was just me, my lil sister, and step dad. My mom would work and stuff. So every morning I would have to wake up my step dad, and it was terrifying. I would wake him up to take me to school and all he did was yell and throw stuff at me, I cried almost every morning and had to keep calling my mom for help. My lil sister was my top priority, I dressed her up and watched out for her. I had to try and stay happy for her. I was left alone with my step dad almost every morning before school. I was a young kid, having to take care of my lil sister. My older brothers never took care of me, I had to take care of myself then. It was a dark, stressful time for me. I cared for my lil sister more than anything, I had to stay strong for her or else she would be in a dark state. Ive seen my step dad hurt my oldest brother and mama before, he would hurt me as well. I made sure he’d never hurt my lil sister though and im glad he didn’t. I remember being sick and having to stay at home with my step dad, I remember going to the bathroom and locking the door, sobbing so much. My step dad would bang on the door and yell at me. It was scary and it happened quite a bit. I wanted to rip my hair out and kill myself. I was really, really scared. I couldn’t bring myself to be generally happy. I had to deal with all this stuff and probably more stuff throughout my whole childhood. For many years since I could remember it was just constant sexual abuse. I would be told to dress more sexy, I was just sexualized so much, ever since I gained consciousness (so since I was a toddler). I dont even wanna know how I was sexualized like as a baby. I was never treated like a human being, I was always treated like a sextoy. Thinking about this stuff makes me feel so dead inside, like my body just went to a weird temperature, remembering all this just seems so unreal. Im honestly shocked with the fact that I havent killed myself or gone mad yet. Throughout my childhood I would constantly think about suicide, I still do. Its so upsetting that im used to it and felt normal about it all even though I have also felt so uncomfortable about everything. I wished I did something about it. I feel so guilty and depressed about the past. My innocence was taken away at such a young age. I really wish my childhood were better.
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Im not okay. This sounds ridiculous but I need someone to tell me how fucked up all this really is. I need acknowledge so I know that Im not alone. I need someone to be constantly sweet to me. I need someone to talk sweet to me, I wanna feel loved. Im feeling so sensitive right now. Right now I just seek comfort in YouTubers and movies. It sounds stupid and childish but I cant help the feeling. I probably would be cutting myself right now if I didnt have some parental figure in Youtubers. I have to distract myself by watching YouTube constantly, I need to listen to these youtubers talk nonstop. I need to watch movies or shows and I need to have an interest. Im constantly thinking about my childhood. I need to escape from reality. Im struggling in school right now, I have only one ‘bad’ grade which is a C+ but that’s enough to make me feel really bad, like Im a failure. The more I socialize with others then the more my mind drifts off to those thoughts, hoping my life would’ve been like the people im talking to. I feel so exhausted 24/7, its hard to go out and feel energized. All this stress is making me tired all the time. I need a good family member in my life. I need someone that wont treat me like a sextoy, thats not homophobic, transphohic, sexist, or racist, I just need a good person to take care of me. Im tired of taking care of myself alone. I need help but nothing will work. I just wanna be a real man. I wanna be more comfortable with myself. I cant look at my body or face without wanting to cry and break down. I just really need help. Im still a minor. I wish I could restart my life or just move on to the next one. I will never get my childhood back. I will never get to experience a good childhood. I have always knew about molestation since I was a little, tiny kid. I always had a sexual mind. Throughout my whole life, I knew about sex. I was always aware of it. I will never forget about my childhood. It will stay with me forever. It hurts, it stings so much. This is not fair, I can’t stand this. Its so frustrating and upsetting. Im young and went through so much, stuff that many adults never went through. Its terrifying to think about my future. I think I will make it though, I hope so. I will never give up, I just can’t. Im not being molested on a daily basis anymore. I rarely only get touched by my grandma when she comes over. Im not being molested anymore but I get comments on my body, it makes me wanna pull my skin off. Im not being molested anymore but Im dealing with transphobia right now. Im not being molested anymore but I still cant forget the past. Im not being molested anymore but everyone just forgot the past and moved on, I feel so alone. Im not being molested anymore but I cant love my body anymore. Im not being molested anymore but talking and hearing how my voice didnt change much since I was younger makes me wanna go full on mute, my family says that I might have a speech impediment or something, I hate talking. Im not being molested anymore but I still gain hatred from my family, just any kind of hatred. Im not being molested anymore but Im now really sensitive, mentally and physically. Im not being molested anymore but I cant forgive my family, never will. Im not being molested anymore but I still need help. Im not being molested anymore but I just wanna kill myself. I learned that sexual abuse can affect your sexuality. I knew I always liked any gender at such a young age but I was molested by men and woman. Im worried that it made me who I am, sexuality wise. Thinking that way makes me feel sick and upset. Im supposed to like men. And I think Im supposed to be straight. But Im a transman now. So I should like girls then, right? But I’m biological a woman so I should still like men. Its so confusing and depressing. I feel scared to love now. Even more scared than before. Im not sure who Im supposed to love, what gender I was made to love. I dont want my sexual abuse to be the one shaping my sexuality. Im very worried and terrified. What if I was made to be straight but now I wont know for sure? Its so scary for me. What if Im not really pansexual? What if I only feel that way because of what I went through? Im not sure anymore. Im pansexual, Im okay with dating any gender but now Im doubting myself and Im so scared because my sexual abuse could of been the one to make me this way. I dont want that to be the case, it disgusts me. My sexuality used to be something I knew certain about, something I knew for sure about me and now Im doubting it. I wanna know myself, not lose myself. For my future imma grow up and get my dream job (firefighting), if I dont get my dream job then I will just kill myself. I’m only living so I could try and fulfill my life so I dont die with only the bad memories/past. So far, I don’t feel fulfilled at all, I just feel hopeless and useless, I feel guilt and regret for no reason. If I become a firefighter then I can help others. I can help people, animals, and the environment. If I had a different job then I would kill myself. Firefighter is the only job that could help people, animals, and the environment all at the same time. I need to help someone or something or else I’mma just feel guilty my whole life. I need to fulfill my life like that. Its very important to me. My biggest fear right now is losing any of my senses, such as, sight or hearing, if I lost these senses then I couldn’t be a firefighter, therefore, Im killing myself. I dont know why I feel so much guilt and regret. I think its because of all the bad things ive done in my life, even the really tiny things. I cant help but let it scar me. I need to help others to try and cover that feeling. I need to be fulfilled.
HELP YOURSELF:
- Thank you so much for trusting us here at TeenCentral with your story! We welcome you to the community and are happy you’re here and taking the really BRAVE first step of reaching out to us. It sounds like you have been through a lot and letting yourself be vulnerable by sharing difficult experiences and feelings shows incredible STRENGTH and COURAGE.
- First – YOU ARE IMPORTANT. If you aren’t feeling safe, there are people who want to help. Under the “HELP” tab of TeenCentral.com there are many hotlines, text-lines, and websites available to support you. You can call the NATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINE – dial 988 or go to their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If it’s easier for you to text, you can use the CRISIS TEXT LINE – Text “HOME” to 741741 or visit their website at www.crisistextline.org. Both of these lifelines are there to help you 24/7.
- Being older now and more aware of the things that you have went through reaching out to Children and Youth in your area can help you and your little sister. They are there to make sure children are cared for in safe and healthy environments. I know that you had mentioned that they had come before . Think of how much stronger and braver you are now.
- Your guidance counselors they are there for you! Reach out to your school- via email or in person. Check in with your teachers. You may only see them during class, but they are still a resource that can connect you to the help you may need. It’s one of the people you have (some sort of) contact with almost every day. A church or youth group where you can find a trusted adult are also great places to talk one on one with someone that can help you. It is important to talk to someone about the abuse that you went through and are still going through. They can offer some suggestions, insight, and hopefully some help. If you feel as though you have no one to talk to you, you can also go to our “Getting Help For Abuse On Your Own” blog which gives all of the information that you will need if you decide to make a report. It is never ok for someone to touch you or make you uncomfortable no matter how long ago this happened.
CONDISER THIS:
- We also have many other types of resources here at TeenCentral that you can always use to help yourself. There is a “Learn” tab with subtopics like Suicide, Depression, Sexuality, and Anxiety. It seems like you have a lot of pain and struggle over a long period of time and that can easily affect our emotions and actions. Sometimes gaining more information about what’s going on can help you feel more in control and prepared to overcome these difficult times. It’s also easy to feel alone and hopeless when bad things seem to keep happening. Often times reading the stories of others can make us feel like we aren’t alone. You can go to the “Stories” tab to read experiences of others and see the responses they’ve gotten from our counselors. When we are going through what seems like a never-ending cycle of stress it’s easy to magnify these feelings. It’s a normal part of stress and going through rough times. That doesn’t make it any less hard but it can help knowing that there’s a reason you feel this way. The biggest thing taken from your story is that you want help. That’s a huge step and we are very proud of you. We also have a “tools” tab that can help you set up a Support Plan or give yourself a Daily Positive Reminder.
- You have a talent of writing have you ever tried writing or journaling in general? Sometimes jotting down our thoughts and feelings can be a powerful outlet to help manage emotions. You can also use it to reflect on the positive qualities you have. Like we mentioned above, going through stress and difficult events can affect your emotions and bring out more of the bad feelings than the good ones. That doesn’t mean the good qualities aren’t there, they could just be buried below the pain. Let’s try to bring them out by making a list of things you like about yourself, or positive accomplishments no matter how small they may seem. If you are struggling, maybe try asking someone who cares about you to help remind you of the positives they see in you.
- What are the hobbies and activities you have done in the past that you’ve enjoyed? It can be the smallest positive, healthy activity that brings you joy – keep doing it. Also keep trying to surround yourself with positive, trusting people who care about you – especially when it feels like you’ve lost other important relationships. These people can help keep you going. Stay strong and keep fighting for a time when you can look in the mirror and see the survivor that you are.
