Helping myself but still feel a hole in my heart
So I’m a boy, still in my earliest teenagers, i like to consider myself a good kid, i get a lot of good grades like As and A+ in class, I like some stuff like coding, i dont use the phone always, i listen to my mom most of the times and try not to be rude. Unfortunatrly mt mom is quite not the best. she oftentimes ends up discouraging me, mocking me even for my success e.g she says its all her work that made me get good grades, or that I’m coding useless stuff, I make mistakes sometimes like im quite clumsy and end up dropping water on my clothes, sometimes she shouts at me and id be fine with just that but sometimes she genuinely goes crazy like removes all my clothes lets me sit in the cold. laat time it happened was just a few months ago in winter. even when she doesnt do that she sometimes ends up doing stuff like disowning me e.gone time she shouted at me because I told her i didn’t like a book because it was unrealistic snd when i told her i was afraid of her shouting she said i was a liar and i was actin and shed disosn me and I’m too sensitive. And it lasted for ages till she finally stopped itnoring me And I try to apologise often but she never accepts. I used to argue when i was like 11 or 12. probably i shouldnt have but i cant change the past.and i sometimes use the phone too much, it never distracts me from studying, i still get just as high marks at school as before, but i should probably use it less, maybe do some other things. But i don’t get why shes doing all of ghis. Even now while I’m criyng im trying not to let her find out, I had to basically lie about it already once , she always mocks me for crying. But the issue is sometimes she feels like a great mom and says she loves me and all but most times she just feels like extreme anger and all . i dont exaclty know what to do. ive been improving my self confidence lately, im sitting up straighter, smiling more, keeping myself relaxed, trying to talk mkre from my chest, snd its definitely helped a lot at one point I felt on top of the whole world but it’s hard to stay feeling like thst when the next hour or two my mom will shout at me bc of s few drops of water on the floor. I’ve been trying to clean up as much ss possible snd somewhat succeeding as even she admits im way better than before but shes shouing at me the dame for less. And sometimes I feel shes not telling the truth about what she wants. For example she wants me to get high marks, I’m alreadh doing that, both for myself and my future and so she can be proud but she doesnt care much, she always said she wanted me to stop arguing, and when I did shes just feeling worse and hits me often which im ok with getting hit i guess just shes shouting wah too much . I’m trying to respect jer as much as possible, well I always tried to but sometimes I failed, now I’m trying not to say a single rude thing to my mom. But she just doesn’t care, even feels worde. And I have a sister but shes away for some work and says everything my mom does is normal and that even worse happened to her, and that my moms uncle used to do even worse to her like burn her and I should man up. but her uncle is a very solid man now, and i guess everyone in the family forgave him for what he did. im just hoping my mom finds out too
Also I’m tryng not to reveal a lot here just in case my mom has enough time to browse these stories and see if I ever complained. ofc she might still find out but still. And my mom often does stuff to embarrass me, I don’t like saying how but it involves stuff in the bathroom but isnt sexual assault either, she just violated my privacy because i “cant be trusted”. Speaking of that i used to pleasure myself when I was like beginning puberty, I wasn’t doing what i was doing and my religion prohibits it so I stopped doing it and wont do it again but its sad bc it was the main way i felt relief. But I suppose I’m doing better now as im exercising and fixing myself more and it feels way better, like im actually fulfilled instead of just feeling temporary happiness for a few minutes then guilt. And i have to share a bed with her and all, like its hard for my mom to wish me to die or wish me to fall ill severely or for all my work to be removed then sleep in the same bed But yea my mom issue is so hard. And shes making it even harder too cuz she mocks me for trying to do these things and improve myself, saying I should fix my soul first and i worshio Satan even tho I worship Allah and Him alone, or that I’m wasting my time as if im autistic and climsy and retarded theres no hope for me to change (im not actually autistic or retarded my mom just calls me this, i am kinda clumsy but from what i understand its completely normal for boys my age, idk what shes on about saying she was never clumsy) and I hate bein called stuff like this,. Also you’ve probably been wondering ab my dad, i forgot to mention he died when i was younger so ive only got my mom. Im feeling better now ngl typing up what i feel here made me cry less. Imreally afraid of talking to any adults about this bc i dont know any who wouldnt just tell my mom instantly. I’m just wondering what i can do more aside from improving myself, whether this is normal, idk, It just feels so sad she was abused shen she was a child and now taking it out on me, id never trest my kids this way. Thanks a lot
Sorry for not typing this up well, english isn’t my first language and I’m shivering in the cold rn and don’t wanna ask my mom if I can turn a heater or anything
FIRST THINGS FIRST
- Thank you for reaching out. You are very brave for doing so!
- It sounds like you have had to deal with a lot from your mom, and that can be mentally exhausting for a teen like yourself.
- If you are ever feeling the immediate need to seek help, you can text the Crisis Textline Available 24/7 Support to all individuals in crisis. Text “HOME” to 741741 www.crisistextline.org
- Do not be afraid to contact this number if your mom starts hurting you or is hurting you: Child Help USA National Hotline Available 24/7, over 170 languages. Helps youth who are suffering child abuse 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) http://www.childhelpusa.org
- I am so PROUD of YOU for having amazing grades despite the challenges!!! YOU are a Rockstar!!!!
- I know you mentioned that you have problems trusting adults because of trust issues. Have you talked with a therapist or a guidance counselor at school?
GETTING THROUGH THE DAY
- If you ever need a reminder to think positively about yourself, check out CLICK HERE
- You also deserve to feel safe, and if you need to see some guidance on that, you can check out this reminder if you CLICK HERE
- It can be very discouraging when a parent says things to embarrass us or hurt our feelings. Here at Teen Central, we like to recommend journaling. This can help you get your feelings from inside your head to a safe space on paper. It can help you work through some of the emotions that you are feeling. It can also be a GREAT Tool to find your happiness. If you are new to journaling, you can check out how to start by CLICKING HERE
- Journaling is a great coping mechanism for the stress that you are under, dealing with your mom. Read this if you have time to see more about how to use this great coping skill: CLICK HERE
- Your mom is dealing with UNRESOLVED TRAUMA.
- You are experiencing toxic parenting.
CONSIDER THIS
- Reach out to your school counselor and explain the situation as to what is going on. Do your best, to not be afraid because YOU are brave!
- If you need to, please reach out to the crisis line as mentioned above via text by texting “HOME” to 741741
- You deserve a safe place to be, especially since you stated your mom comes into the bathroom when you are in there. You can tell your counselor at school this information.
- Remember that you are breaking the cycle of generational trauma by already knowing that you do not want to treat your children like this when you get to that stage in your life. That right there is a HUGE step in showing how you have compassion and empathy! Be PROUD of those traits!
- Report your mom if you must. I know calling the police on a parent is hard, but if you need to be safe, make sure you have an adult whom you do trust to be with you during that time.
Please reach out to Teen Central if we can be of any other assistance. We are here for YOU!
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