I wont last long in life and I have this feeling that my parents deep down believe this as well regardless of how much they try to suppress it and think otherwise. I don’t want to last long either. I’ve said this before but the outcomes for my life are either homeless or suicide or both which I’m leaning towards it being both. I can only live so long with my parents or anyone for that matter. I definitely won’t have a shelter for long without having the desire to work. I just don’t see myself living past my early twenties at the latest. And for the past few days I haven’t felt good. I feel bland or emotionless or whatever. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it isn’t a good feeling. I’ve also just felt irritable and annoyed. Especially when people are loud and when the teachers are talking for long periods. I don’t really care about what the world needs from me. I don’t care if it needs my smile, my presence, my ideas, my stories, my greatness. Whatever. I think I’m becoming indifferent to them loving it as well. Not to long ago my grandma talk to me about having F’s in school and that I’ll be homeless. And when she said I immediately In my head. And I just had a conversation with my parents regarding school and me not doing credit recovery and my Dad said he knows how it goes when someone goes down this path and I thought in my head that I was right. I knew deep down they knew it. Also to note I’m very well heading towards the path of homelessness in the future. I’m only in my junior year so it’s not long until then. I’m only in believe at some point l’ll kick myself out of my parents house and give them a note of what I want them to do with my belongings. I also have an idea of where l’ll go when I become homeless and hopefully I can die off there peacefully without any threats from animals or anything. I don’t dream of working in this world and not do I want to. I also no longer when to live long enough to experience the death of my loved ones.
Thank you for taking the time and the courage to share your story. We are sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. It must be hard to share when we hear you saying that you feel so emotionless and bland.
We are pleased to have you as part of our community, and we value your worth and contributions! Don’t give up – be believe you are important and we hope you come to know your worth too.
RIGHT NOW:
Get some help from the community around you. It is as simple as a text or chat with 988 – many find it comforting to seek help without having to “look” at someone. These are trained professionals who are available 24/7. You can find other links on our HELP page
We hear you that you are not feeling the support you expected you would from your family right now, consider if there is anyone in your life that you can turn to? An extended family member, a close friend, if not…keep trying. There are tons of reputable resources on online. We would hope to see you, in the long term, linked to a formal support system like therapy – so trusted adults can help you link to that. We hear you that school is not a happy place for you right now, aside from academics can you talk to your guidance counselor, resource officer, or nurse?
You are not alone. Take a look at our LEARN tab on Suicide as well as our STORIES to see that others experience and successfully navigate these feelings.
FOR LATER:
We understand that it may not seem like you have a future right now, consider pumping the breaks and staying present. When you have time, check out our TOOLS page for some ideas like journaling, art, mindfulness, breathing, and self-love.
Think about how you can build your support systems up, consider joining a group. Places like Barnes & Noble offer game nights, libraries have activities, there are outside of school sports, youth groups and clubs. Consider what type of hobbies you might enjoy in the mean time: walking in nature or “forest bathing”, building something like a bird house to give back to nature, find ways to make your mark and give back – like walking dogs or shoveling snow for others. Maybe acts of kindness will fill your heart with warmth. Turn to your spirituality or faith if you believe.
REMEMBER:
You matter. These are big feelings and challenging events. Take one step at a time and stay present. We are routing for you!
