I haven’t met one person who truly understands. People try, and I appreciate that, but no one really does. How do you explain being suicidal on a physical level? Physically not being able to bare that you’re alive? The pain in your hands and feet and the never-ending headache and the penetrating shallowness in your chest?
You can try, but they’ll never truly understand it. Especially when I don’t understand it myself either.
Hi teen central, sadly, I’m back again, because there’s nothing else I can do. I haven’t gotten better. I wont ever, I think my brain is messed up thoroughly. My last entry was called: I hate Myself, on the 19th of June.
I thought things would get better, but they haven’t. I keep getting close to the only thing I want, happiness, and then it feels like its ripped away again.
I don’t go out. I don’t have friends. I’m at home 24/7, and that’s genuinely not an exaggeration. I don’t go to school, I haven’t in almost 5 years.
I went to a thing for 2 weeks with other kids. (I’m genuinely praying none of them use this website and recognise my story or I’d die of embarrassment). I don’t hide my self harm scars, but because I act so happy and okay or “perfect” (I’ve had people tell me they thought my life was perfect because of how I act), no one realises them until I point it out. I joke about killing myself sometimes, but one of my friends took it seriously. He could tell that I wasn’t just joking. I guess I didn’t realise how bad it was until he pointed it out.
I’ve tried to get pills, I almost have enough to commit. To me, I’m not a suicidal person; just a person who is going to kill themself. (I’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense but that’s the best way to explain it.)
I feel so isolated. Not just because I’m alone all day in my room, watching my “friends” live their lives through a crappy screen, but because no one can possibly understand. How could you understand wanting to rip your skin open when you get upset, or watching your dad get so angry he almost kills your mum in front of you, or being stuck at home during it all for 5 years? How could you know what it feels like to wake up every day in physical pain and not know why? How could you understand genuinely wanting to die, not because you are depressed or sad, but because that’s all you want to do? What about watching your parents struggle but deep down blaming them for not giving you a better life? The guilt that comes with hating them for ruining you with their own trauma? How could you understand all that unless you’ve lived it?
And no one else has lived it but me.
Why did I get so unlucky? Why is my brain like this? Why can I have money and go to school and mentally sane like other people? I think I’m fine, but then everyone tells me I’m not. They say things like: “Mentally sane people don’t cut themselves or think about killing themselves”. That was a shock to me, because I though everyone wanted to die most days. I hindsight, I don’t know why I thought that.
And I’m not even diagnosed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just making it up. I wish I could just turn it off a be okay again, but I haven’t been okay since I was 11, which is why I think my brain is just messed up.
My mum wont give me all of my painkiller. The first time, I asked her to buy some and attempted. Now she wont give me more then 4 at a time. I’ll just wait and ask for them later, but I don’t know why she’s acting as if she can stop me. She cant. She told me to kill myself the first time, and now that’s all I want to do.
I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me. I think dying is the right answer. Things might get better, but at this point, I don’t want that. I want to be able to breathe, and I can do that when its all over. I feel disgusting. I haven’t showered in days, I haven’t washed my hair in weeks. Blood stains my skin from the cuts because I’m too exhausted to wash it off. And how am I exhausted when all I do is sleep and eat all day? I don’t understand it.
This isn’t a suicide note. At the end of the day, I cant wait to die, but I’m scared to leave my siblings behind. And I’m worried I’ll be in pain. But if things don’t get better by the end of the year, I will kill myself. I want to keep my options open at least. I cant imagine living in this pain any longer.
IN THIS MOMENT:
- It’s good to hear from you again and to know that you are still out there in the world surviving the very difficult life circumstances you have always had to face. You are a remarkable young woman – truly – for everything you have been through. TeenCentral is honored to walk alongside you through this journey. Thank you for sharing this chapter of your story. The things you have shared in the past and continue to share, are not only good for you, but also help others learn and grow. You never know the impact you may have on another teen somewhere in the world by what you share.
- We can only imagine the PAIN you are going through right now. We have offered information about Depression on this site to you before, but nothing about physical pain. Since you are bringing it up now we must validate to you that as you grow up the symptoms of Depression evolve as well. It is very much true that physical pain can definitely be a symptom of Major Depression.
- “Unexplained aches and pains, including headaches, back pain, joint pain, and muscle pain, commonly occur with depression. These pains can range from mild to severe enough to impact a person’s functioning. The connection is thought to be because depression and pain share the same nerve pathways and brain chemicals.Some studies have shown that the worse the physical pain symptoms, the more severe the depression is.” (Heather Jones, Steven Gans, MD, 2022) [emphasis by tctalks]
- You are in pain because of your deep sadness. You are not taking care of yourself because of the repeated trauma that has pervaded your life. You look at your life and feel hopeless and alone because as you said (and have said before) nothing works to make you happy. You feel isolated because you have very little support in your day-to-day life. There are REASONS for you being at this point in your life and your feelings DO make sense. EVEN SO…you are surviving. The cuts on your arms tell us you are still surviving. It may not be the best way to survive, but it’s something. You are still trying to do something – ANYTHING – besides die. You are still hoping for a reason to stay alive. And we want you to stay alive. You are sane. You are a fighter.
TOMORROW…and the NEXT DAY…
- You are under TREMENDOUS STRESS. It is too much for one person to carry. The only way to move through your situation until hope can be seen on the horizon is to learn to cope with each thing as it comes. Try your best not to become overwhelmed with what might be or what will come next. Focus on the HERE AND NOW only. What is happening here? What is going on right now? This is a huge skill to learn that really will help you if you take it seriously. Keep it as a mantra in your mind – “Here and now, here and now.”
- Secondly, we need to find something that brings you peace. After hearing you speak through your stories, we can’t help but suggest art journalling as a way to start. This is a very therapeutic way to bring emotions out of the mind and on to paper without having to think super hard. It’s also enjoyable. Here is one blog about ART JOURNALLING. Here is a website where you can learn more about it Mindful Art Studio | Art journaling and mindful creation from the heart. I urge you to look into this more. We know people who are NOT artists who have found much peace and comfort in the work of art journalling. It really is worth a try.
- Finding hope...I’d ask you the question, “If something were going to stop you from killing yourself after the end of this year, what would it have to be?” You said, “If things don’t get better by the end of the year, I will kill myself.” So, what is “better” in your eyes? Would it be going back to school? Would it be getting out of the house more? Would it be feeling less physical pain? Would it be your parents not fighting so much? Would it be you growing up to be able to have a life of your own? If you did have a life of your own, what would that look like? What job would you have? Do you want a family some day? Maybe you could journal some of these answers or answer them some way in an art journal. But at least think about them. What does hope look like for you?
One final thought, others may not truly understand what you are feeling because they are not you. But there are plenty of people who are feeling/experiencing similar things as you. It is important to keep this in mind when you are feeling so alone. Look around at the other stories on TeenCentral and see that there are many teens suffering around the world. And the world needs you in it!