nothing I can do

My dad’s become more abusive than ever.

I’ve realized he’s (father) a domestic abuser (I think it’s called) and he is very manipulative. When I found out he punched her, I started crying because he promised me he wouldn’t touch her again. Last time he threw a chair at her arm. He got mad at me for crying and said it was her fault, he pushed me so hard. I was SO SCARED! I thought he was gonna punch me too. I was crying so much I couldn’t breathe and stop shaking.

We took her to the hospital, and he pretended as if he didn’t do anything. Even after we got back, [Some explicit information removed to protect readers.] (more abusive things happened to mum). He shouted at me for crying because I “was crying for the wrong reason”.

He’s extremely manipulative. For example, he left the house, drove the car for a bit and came back. So I wouldn’t know he was in the house. Then he caught me asking my mum what we are going to do. He got mad at me saying it was my fault we ran away last time he hurt her. That was RIGHT after he promised he was sorry.

Last night I tried to self-harm and it didn’t hurt at all. I’m scared bc the pain is the only thing that stops me from thinking about all this stuff. It didn’t even bleed. The blood and pain are the things I need. There’s nothing else I have.

My dad stole my siblings and my passports, so we can’t leave the country. Over here they don’t care about domestic abuse. They actually applaud it over here. There’s no way we can leave, because my dad took all my mums money.

Today, as always they acted as if nothing happened. As if they were so in love again. As if I didn’t SOB because he was playing gospel music at night, as if he was doing something “god” would be HAPPY ABOUT! How am I supposed to worship a god he does? He’s an abuser. And doesn’t believe it. And my mum only believes it the day he hits her. Then she goes back to loving him.

I’m trapped. There’s nowhere for 13 year old me to go. No one cares. I’m sorry that it doesn’t sound so bad. PLEASE read what I posted before, (if it is someone else reading this) so you can properly understand. I physically feel disgusting. I can only eat one meal a day, maybe water or chocolate. My hands and stomach ache all day. And when I think about it too much, I cry so much I cant breath. Then I’m convinced I’m faking a panic attack so my mum will listen. I don’t tell anyone though. I have a headache all day. I feel miserable. My dad still wants me to work for him and my mum. When all I want to do is die. I’ve been meaning to get rid of the pills on my dresser so i wouldn’t attempt again. But I want to so badly. There’s a strong chance I’m going to.

Before I thought maybe I were overreacting. But I’m literally trapped in a foreign country that hated me for being gay (I think its punishable by prison or death) and thinks domestic abuse is okay. [Some explicit information removed to protect readers.] (Writer describes that abuse in her current country is permitted, even encouraged. She gives specific examples.)

I’m probably going to try and commit again. I’m scared, so I most likely won’t take enough to die. The self-harm isn’t working so I have nothing I can do. Please don’t give me and numbers to call or helplines. I can’t call them and there’s no therapy online I can take without my parents knowing. Do you know why I don’t feel the pain anymore? PLEASE upload this soon. I only get access to the internet in the evening, and it’s not strong. I’m really scared. I really think dying is the only option I have.

Im so sorry! i forgot to say one thing: please include it in what i just said.

My dog ate some Chocolate and I got mad. I got SO MAD. Madder than ever before. I took it out on her and hit her. I literally hit her and I feel so bad. I feel terrible. I’m scared because I’m acting like my dad. I’m a horrible person. All the more reason I want to die. Thank you for reading and listening to me. It means so much to me. Without this website, 11 year old me would probably not be here today. I’ve been using your site for 2 or 3 years now. And I’m so glad.

You SAVED MY LIFE. many times. thank you

HELP YOURSELF:

• PLEASE STAY SAFE. If there’s anywhere safe you can be, try to be there. If there are any trusted positive adults you can contact in any way, please try to do it. You matter and your safety is so important to all of us in the TeenCentral Community.
• TAKE ANOTHER DEEP BREATH. You are a lot stronger than you realize. YOU SAVED YOUR LIFE many times by making the decision to seek help and by deciding to LIVE even though you are scared and in so much pain that all you want to do is escape. We can feel the pain and lack of hope you are experiencing through the words you share with us. Just know that you are not alone and we are still here to support you. You can do this. You already picked a better option by reaching out for help. DON’T GIVE UP!
• We love that you trust us and keep coming back for support but the best support is someone who you have more access to. We understand in your circumstances it’s a lot harder but is there anyone you feel safe with or can talk to for help?

WHERE TO GO FROM HERE:

• When you are so deep into crisis and pain that you are having physical symptoms, it’s important to be gentle with yourself as much as you can. You may make more mistakes, lose your temper, have bad thoughts and other negative symptoms of trauma but that does not mean you are a bad person. It means you are human and going through a really tough time. It’s ok to not be ok.
• It’s really important that we find a positive and healthy coping skill for you as soon as possible. It seems like your mind and body really need an outlet for all the negative events, thoughts, and emotions you keep experiencing. Is there anything you like doing with your hands that is safe and positive? You mentioned before you liked writing. We hope you are still writing.
• Try to make your world feel a little smaller. You say you think about all this stuff and that can lead to wanting to self-harm to escape it. Unfortunately, most of the things that are overwhelming you are out of your control. That can be very frustrating and make us feel powerless but we always have a choice. You can do your best to try and focus on the things you can control, no matter how small they feel. You already made a great choice in reaching out for help. Keep making small “great choices” one step at a time. Start by getting through the next five minutes, then keep going.