I’m sixteen, last year I used a couple illegal substances marijuana edibles and alcohol I was given access to them through an adult individual and they really messed up my mind. I may seem mature for my age I’m just really aware of a lot of stuff also I was homeschooled from the 6th grade to now and I don’t have any plans to go back to school, my life is pretty good. I struggling with binge eating and self-discipline, I’m unhappy with my body.
I live with my mom and distant but considerate and polite step-dad and my grandma and my two 8 year old siblings.
I haven’t had any professional mental help I haven’t reached out really to any yet I did once I had this therapist Sarah I told her I wanted to kill myself and she told me we were going to work on my social issues together and brushed it off.
I emailed her to cancel our sessions.
and then I started using marijuana and alcohol I have no friends I have nothing to do, I don’t talk to anybody outside of my house except for employees of various places and it’s been like this since I was 12. I used to have a friend but after I stopped attending school we stopped talking and I’d only get two or four texts a year from her and this year I decided she deserved better friends than me so and she probably has better friends than me so I blocked her on everything I set her free. I’m really lonely now, I was lonely before though.
I drank a bunch of alcohol new years eve of 2021, woke up 2022 I was craving a salad from wendy’s I was feeling, I woke up threw up I think and then I slept on my mattress and I thought I was going to die, I wanted to die I really didn’t want to wake up I fell asleep and woke up still tired and so I slept hoping to pass away again. I started doing weed sometime after that and then after a couple months tried an edible and some alcohol I ended up questioning the existence of everything and desperately piecing together various “clues” from various random internet sources (song lyrics from a variety of random artists, random youtube videos, youtube shorts, movies, shows) I would do nothing all day and it’s been this way since I quit school and even before then I would spend a lot of time on the internet not interacting with the people directly, just consuming and consuming and consuming so many horrible things I shouldn’t have consumed.
I started piecing random stuff together, and I came to this horrifying (but temporary it was all based on delusion,) conclusion there were three people in the world and I was one of them and we were the primary colors and we were going to automatically be forced to unite for some reason and I was awakening and because we were going to unite and It was really stressing me out I thought that one of the other two people who existed were going to kill me or them and we each were responsible for different aspects of existence and I thought the world was going to end basically so I put a lot of thought into figuring out who these people were and what they’d be like based on what I was like so that I could prevent the world from ending, I had a bunch of delusions they’d switch and sometimes I believed I alone was the only thing that existed it was really horrifying.
at some point I felt like I was in danger, I believed my family were evil on the inside and now that they knew that I knew that they were evil they’d kill me so when me and my mom and dad got back from an outing I grabbed a screw driver out of fear and told my grandma to call an ambulance to our house, she did, I got in and realized that the number for an ambulance is 911 I think? and the medical symbol thing is a cross jesus was crucified by people on a cross publicly I think and therapist has the word rapist in it and so that freaked me out and so I was scared they were going to do horrible things to me I was scared I was going to be tortured etc. horrified they put me in this room I saw my initials T E scribbbled on the wall that made things worse anyway they let me out after two nights or three nights and I was so happy to see my family again my mom and even my step dad we’re not close at all very distant he is considerate though in a basic way and I try to be as well. I was happy to see everyone the time spent in the hospital was horrible no one to talk to I couldn’t talk to the staff at all I just had to think about things. they didn’t crucify me so I felt safer after that and I felt like yeah maybe my delusions are delusions. I’m still dealing with delusions and horrifying thoughts there’s this one that I just can’t get rid of and while I’ve become physically healthier since these thoughts started and they actually really contributed to me changing for the better physically I never used to clean my room and would barely drink water, I’ve started cleaning my room every week and drinking a good amount of water every day but mentally I’m terrified I’m stuck in a timeloop and everythings just an illusion. I’m scared I know exactly how the universe will end and how it will begin and I’m scared I’m going to initiate it intentionally, but at the same time, I kind of have contradicting beliefs knowledge or something. I feel really alienated from society and everybody in the world and I just want to have friends and talk to people but I just feel so disconnected from everyone I feel really alone and hopeless jsut socially my family lifes fine but my family doesn’t really understand me and they can’t support me psychologically or emotionally they’re alright emotionally and psychologically but I’m still suffering just a bit I really wish there were people who could understand me.
- First thing I want to say is thank you, for having the courage to reach out to TeenCentral for guidance. Often times, reaching out for help is very difficult for many reasons. Be proud of yourself for making that big step.
- What you described in your story is very overwhelming so for you to be feeling the way you stated is understandable. You expressed you have a supportive family have you talked to your mother or grandmother about what you are going through. That would be a great place to start. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that maybe reaching out to a school counselor from the school that you are registered at, someone from your place of worship or the therapist you had scheduled sessions with or any adult you feel safe with. Talking to someone face to face can help you gather insight on how to help yourself. You will have support and a safe place to let feelings out.
- Have you ever journaled? This is a great way to get what your feeling out and can help you to put things in order. This can even help you to prepare for a conversation with an adult you trust. Consider trying it and see how it goes you might be surprised.
Having feelings that you want to end your life is not a great place to be. I am hoping that you consider helping yourself by calling the National Suicide Hotline:
If you are feeling as though you are in crisis or if you are feeling as though you want to hurt yourself, please contact the resources listed below. You can contact the crisis number by texting “Hello” to 741741. The nice thing is that you can text them and someone is there to talk 24/7.
National Suicide Hotline
Helps individuals in suicidal crisis with support
Support to all individuals in crisis
Text “HOME” to 741741
Here on TeenCentral website you can find resources that might help you.
In the Tools Tab you can find:
- Support Plan – https://teencentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/My-Support-Plan.pdf
- Positive Self Talk- https://teencentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/016_0028G_TCPositiveTalkTool.pdf
- Social Skill – https://teencentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/016_0028K_TCSocialSkills.pdf
- Weekly Mood Tracker – https://teencentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/016_0028B_TCWeeklyMoodTracker.pdf
Under the Learn tab you can find a lot of the things you stated you are struggling with. These sections can help you understand what they are and how they affect you like:
- Body Image
- Substance abuse
There are also many hotlines available to you on the TeenCentral HELP tab. Read over them because one of them may apply to your situation perfectly – and they respond immediately to you. Know that you are not alone! You got this!!!