Snapshot into my Mother’s Day
So today is Mother’s Day. That’s only a little bit important to the story. My mom was supposed to take my senior photos today—she’s a trained photographer—and so she has a certain way she wants everything done. I’ve already sacrificed a few photo ideas because she didn’t like them—well, she said they wouldn’t work (you’ll look fat from that angle) but really I think she just didn’t like them—and so when it came to hair, I thought perhaps I could have my way. I was very wrong. I like to keep my hair straight. All the time. Every day. She throws a fit about it every homecoming, prom, military ball, every formal event she insists on curling or styling it. So I thought, for MY senior photos, maybe she’d let me keep it straight. For once. Ever. But she insisted on curling it, saying I need to look ‘like myself, but elevated’. I don’t disagree. That’s why I blow dried my hair and put product in it to make it look nicer. But that’s not good enough for her. Instead of caving like always and letting her have her way, I decided that today I’d stand up for myself.
‘Come here, let me put your hair in rollers’.
‘Actually, I’d like to keep it straight this time’.
‘No, you need to look nice. We’re curling it.’
‘I let you do it for homecoming, mil ball, and prom. Can I leave it straight?’
‘No. You’re doing that thing where I tell you no, and you keep arguing.’
‘I’m not arguing, I just think since they’re /my/ senior photos, I should get to choose.’
‘Actually, they’re for me. I am your mother, and the grad announcements will be sent to my family and your father’s.’
‘Aren’t they also my family? And I think I should get to pick how my own hair looks.’
And suddenly she got all angry with me. I’d tried to keep my voice even, but now she’s yelling about how I’m a spoiled princess and I throw a fit when I don’t get my way and I just need something to argue about. Then she says she won’t take my photos at all. That I can figure it out myself if I want to send out announcements. She actually said ‘fuck you.’ I went in my room so she wouldn’t see me cry, because certainly she’d frame it as a guilt trip. Instead she ‘called me out’ for running away from her just because I didn’t get my way.
I’m now trying to arrange with a friend to take my senior photos. Not sure how I’ll pay for prints or announcements, but I’ll work that out. Here’s the thing, though. I don’t think she’d actually let me use another photographer. I know him from the summer camp where I work and where I went as a child. He offered to take them at the camp. Problem—it’s an hour drive. I don’t have a car or license. She’ll make up some bull reason why he can’t drive me there. All the adults I know are on her team. All the kids she’ll say are ‘unsafe’. Public transport is ‘dangerous’. She was bluffing—she would never let me use another photographer. She’s really so childish as to go off on me for something as minute as wanting straight hair in what will turn out to be something like six photos that end up printed.
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Help Yourself:
It seems like you are facing some frustrating and emotionally exhausting turmoil with your mother. We appreciate you reaching out to the TeenCentral community and we are happy you are here. Connecting with us is an amazing way to advocate for yourself and hopefully gather tools that can help you improve your situation!
- Is there anyone directly in your life you could talk to about the things you’re going through or how you’re feeling? This could be someone you haven’t tried talking to before- someone like a trusted teacher, coach, or close family friend/family member. Just being able to confide in someone and express your situation and feelings can help make you feel better and get more people supporting you towards positive changes. It also allows you to see a different perspective.
- It can be extremely hard to navigate family dynamics. Check out the LEARN section for good information about family conflict that may help you understand more about relationship building withing the family. This might help you better understand your mom’s point of view.
Consider this:
- You have a lot going on. It is very important to make sure that you are doing the best you can to take care of yourself at least with the basics. Let’s start with the “Mental Health Protective Equipment” [MPE]. It’s no different than a nurse putting on gloves in a doctor’s office to protect themselves. We all need to put on basic “equipment” to protect ourselves during times of stress. Check in with yourself. How are you doing with each of the MPEs?
- It also seems like your mom is frustrated based on some of the comments you have provided. Have you tried talking to her? I know being almost a senior I am sure it might be difficult to do that. If that feels uncomfortable or you don’t know how to start it, you can make a journal. Write down how you feel, prompt questions, or conversation starters. Then, give it to her and explain how this journal will go back and forth. Or, if you want to bring it to this century you can share a notes app, and do the same thing. This will help you both better understand each other and improve your relationship without the pressure of direct face to face conversation (until you are ready for that).
- Your photos are important to you because they reflect you and they are important to her because you are her baby crossing a huge milestone. There are some big emotions on both sides. Check out the Making Hard Decisions tool. Maybe this will help sort out your thoughts.
