Ever since I was in kindergarten I was in therapy. I was in therapy due to my dad being in and out of jail, being taken away from my mom, and having to live with my aunt (dad’s side) because my step mom didn’t want my brother and I. I was still “too young to know what pain is.” My dad did eventually get out of jail and I went to live with him, my step mom, step sister, and brother. I was in the second grade when I heard the words, “Drew (my dad) you need to stop selling and taking drugs.” I didn’t understand. Why would my dad, a happy go lucky kind of guy, do drugs? I was barely seeing my mom and when I did there was always a fight between her and my dad. I started to cut myself because it was the only pain I could control. But I was still “too young to know what pain is.” In third grade I wasn’t in therapy anymore. I apparently I didn’t need it anymore. One day, I found out a boy didn’t like me bit he liked my best friend. I threatened to kill myself. I was serious. The school put me in a counseling program to help me. I always thought about something bad happening to me so that maybe someone would care about me. My sister showed me her cuts. I felt like mine weren’t deep enough. I started cutting myself more. But I was still “too young to know what pain is.” Fourth grade is when covid started. I was excited at the fact that we got to have two weeks off of school. Two weeks turned into four and four weeks turned into months. I was slowly losing my grip on reality. The night before Easter, my brother wanted to show me something. He said that it was normal and that all siblings do this. It happened again on Easter. I started cutting myself again. I had just gotten my first phone and had Instagram. Men liked the way I looked and liked the way they talked about me. But I was still “too young to know what pain is.” Fifth grade. I began exploring fashion and my sexuality. I knew for a while I liked girls and boys. I had split dyed hair and wore terribly done eyeliner. I started to live with my aunt again. I started to cut myself again when my dad went to jail. But I was still “too young to know what pain is.” Sixth grade. I wore chunky winged eyeliner, an intense amount kf blush, ripped tights and fishnets, plaid and pleated skirts, and short sleeve shirts over long sleeves. I was confident and happy. I started dating a girl who I’ll call Mary. Mary seemed nice at first until I slept over at her house. Every time the other friend would leave the room, she would get on top of me and make out with me. I tried to tell her to stop but she didn’t listen. I fell into a mental health spiral and threaten to kill myself. Again, I was serious. I tried therapy but it didn’t work. I was allowed to have Instagram again. I followed this Harry Potter editor on tiktok. We became friends. Soon, they introduced me to their brother Max. Max seemed so sweet. And he was. Until my aunt found out and shut that down. I began to cut myself again. During the summer, my aunt had a friend who had a son. We kissed once or twice and that was it. After time, I lost feelings for him and I explained that to him. He still continued to grab my thighs and forcefully make out with me without my consent. His mom and my aunt found out and they acted like nothing ever happened. I was still “too young to know what pain is.” Seventh grade. I still live with my aunt. I made up with friends to start the new school year off right. I found out that a friend of mine ,who I’ll call Val, started to talk behind my back and say I was faking my family problems. We got into a physical fight and I moved in with my mom after that. I started my new school on January 17th. Soon, I started dating a boy who I will call Brandon. He was popular, played football and basketball and was over all nice. As we were dating, I began to lose myself in popularity as if it were my job. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Brandon broke up with me on our two month anniversary. I was heart broken and devastated. I started to add random guys on quick add. A boy added me back. His name was Clay. He said he was sixteen going on seventeen. He knew I had just turned fourteen. We started to date. He seemed nice and protective. Wanting to know where I was all the time, who my friends are, making me not talk to any guys, ect. He asked me to send him nudes. It started with me in my bra and underwear. I promised myself that it wouldn’t go any further than that. He begged me to be fully naked. I gave in. He told me I didn’t love him enough. I wanted to prove to him that I loved him more than I loved myself because I did. I carved his name into my thigh. I lost myself once again for a guy. My mom checked my phone and found everything. I knew I was going to kill myself without him. I couldn’t be without Clay. I talked with my school social worker and was driven to the ER to be transferred to a mental hospital. I was driven there three days after I got to the ER. I loved it there. I had people who understood me. I fell in love with someone. I will call Tree. I lost my virginity to them. I get out after I punched nurses there and I was extremely upset. I started to cut myself again. Five days after I got out of mental hospital number one, I went to mental hospital number two. I hated it there. I got out six days after I initially got there. I started to cut myself again. But I was still “too young to know what pain is.” Eighth grade is going good so far. Tomorrow, I plan on going to go to mental hospital number three. Hopefully I will get better after this one. Hopefully I’m not still “too young to know what pain is.”
HELP YOURSELF NOW:
- First thing I want to say is thank you, for having the courage to reach out to TeenCentral for guidance. Often times, reaching out for help is very difficult for many reasons. We are so thankful that you chose TeenCentral as a place to tell your story. Many others here can identify with what you have experienced. We hope that you take some time and read other stories on the site to see that you are not alone in this difficult journey – and that you most certainly are not too young to feel pain.
- What you are describing is a very difficult situation and pretty serious. I see that you mentioned that you have had help in the past and are seeking help now. That is an important step to finding better ways to deal with all kinds of problems in your life.
- You can also reach out to get support when you are in crisis:
Support to all individuals in crisis
Text “HOME” to 741741
- You have had a long history of wanting to hurt yourself and suicidality. The next time you are feeling as though you want to hurt yourself, please contact the resources listed below.
National Suicide Hotline
- I know you mentioned that you talked to some adults, but don’t give up. Think of an adult that you can trust like your school counselor, teacher, someone from a church, or maybe an older relative? If there is someone in your life you can count on it might help if you are ever really in need of a face to face conversation.
- Here on TeenCentral website you can find resources that might help you. Under the Learn Tab click on self-injury. This will give you a better understanding of what self-harm is, why and what to do.
- In the Tools Tab you can find:
- Your story is important and YOU are important. Your life has value beyond getting attention from other boys, men or people in general. You are important just because you have value as human being. Please try to remember that. We are always here if you need us!
Remember – “It is always darkest just before the dawn.” <First coined by Thomas Fuller, English Theologian>