When will things change?
I cant breathe or stop crying, I can barely do anything. Every single goddamn time I feel like I’m getting better, I get worse again.
(I wrote the story “most alone I’ve ever felt”)
Wake up, my parents go to work, I make breakfast, I clean, I babysit, I make lunch, I teach, I clean, I make dinner, I clean, they come home, they complain. EVERY SINGLE DAY. My home is like a prison.
That’s been my life for the longest time, no school, no friends, no freedom. Today mum left without even saying goodbye. I’m just the maid right? Why should she?
She’s so blind. Every day I’m more and more worn out, hating myself for not being able to do simple equations without feeling overwhelmed and physically frustrated. I used to be the TOP OF MY CLASS. Now I babysit and clean every single day all while they tell me how worthless and horrible I am. How I care more about my dog than my own family. How I’m the devil. How I’m lazy.
The past few days I’ve been deteriorating and they’re not even here to see it. All I want is to go to school, to talk to people. To like myself again. To stop destroying myself.
I’m here sobbing on the floor writing to my stupid diary on my phone because if I tell my mum, she’ll say I’m “bitching and moaning”. I’ve told her a thousand times that I’m not just complaining, that I’ll cut myself again if things get bad. But she doesn’t fucking care. She sees me broken and thinks I’m trying to make her feel bad. She blames ME for the weeks on end that she spent lying in bed depressed. My dad get mad at everything I say. I cant ever do anything right. I’m trying SO HARD not to cut myself again but if I don’t I feel physically sick from crying. I cant do anything. I hate myself. I hate myself for liking animals the way I do. I hate myself for being confused. I hate myself because I can’t admit my sexuality, I keep thinking that there must be a way to change that side of me. I hate myself for being the devil. I hate myself because I brought destruction into out house. If I was different, we wouldn’t have been attacked. My dad wouldn’t be abusive, I’d be more happy. I hate myself for wanting it all to end. I don’t do anything anymore. I can’t. I can’t write my novel. I can’t read or draw or learn. I can’t talk. I can’t sleep. I can’t wake up. I don’t have the energy to do anything.
I know I write a lot but I seriously don’t know what to do. I thought I was getting better and it all just started again. I forgot my only friends birthday (we barely talk now) and my cousins 2 days earlier (we grew up like sisters). I have NO ONE. I’m tired of people telling me that I don’t need friends. Maybe its true, but its got to be better than being a housemaid every day, rotting my brain. This can’t be right.
There’s so much more I want to say but I don’t have time. I have to clean. I feel like there’s no other option than to cut myself again, at least I’ll feel better for a little while. I’m only just 14. I shouldn’t feel like this.
P.S: No I don’t believe in god. Not really. When I was very young, I used to tell people that I was half Christian, half spiritual. Because I thought you HAD to believe in one religion or the other. I hate religions, because they are all hypocritical in some way, but I do believe in the universe. This energy that works together. (Everything works together/everything happens for a reason).
That doesn’t mean that the reason is always good though.
- Thank you for reaching out to TeenCentral. It sounds like you have a lot of emotions going on right now and we are happy that you are here to write into us. It doesn’t matter how many times you write to TC – we will always be here for you!
- It sounds like there are a lot of feelings going on right now that you are trying to deal with. Check out our LEARN tab, there many resources that could help you figure out how to help yourself. When you are feeling as though you are not safe you can contact the suicide hotline which I have listed below, or you can text “HELLO” to 741741 which is a crisis hotline. Both are 24/7 and can assist you at any time.
- If you are located outside of the United States, such as in an African Country, TeenCentral found numbers that people can call to talk to someone if you feel you are in crisis. Dial 1195. We are not sure of the hours of this hotline number, but it’s worth a try. It might be nice for you to have someone – a voice on the other end of the line – who can help you process what you are going through. Give it a try!
- The kinds of problems that you’re describing can really make a person feel isolated and alone. Have you considered talking to a counselor, trusted adult or friend about how you’re feeling? Do not underestimate the importance of having even JUST ONE trusted adult in your life who can support you. Research says that this increases the likelihood of lifelong success for young people. I know that in your case this person cannot be a family member, but there may be options for someone outside the family. I know you’ve heard this from us before, but it’s just SO IMPORTANT. We will continue to encourage you about it.
- Feeling lonely and sad can be very difficult to cope with. Finding outlets and ways to release these thoughts and feelings can be very helpful. You should continue to write what you are thinking and feeling when you feel sad and angry to help you feel a bit more in control of what you’re experiencing. You can also use writing to help you stay connected to others. Maybe you can write a letter to the friend and cousins you haven’t had contact with.
- Making difficult decisions is easier said (or written about) than done. We have a really good TOOL available to you that helps you make these hard decisions. CLICK HERE for a decision making tool that helps you compare pros and cons, and walks you through the thought process of making a healthy decision.
- Your overall mental health is extremely important through all of this. TeenCentral has a handy TOOL for remembering aspects of mental health and the things we need to do to PROTECT our mental health – CLICK HERE. We at TeenCentral are hoping you can use some of our information and TOOLS to work through your challenging situation.
- In response to your comment about religion – remember it’s the PEOPLE who are hypocritical, not the religion. And anyway the religion is less important than the FAITH is something beyond yourself, beyond this world. Having HOPE is what is important. What do you have HOPE in?