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Why Do I Feel Dirty?

By January 8, 2023No Comments

Hi Teen Central,

so it’s me again, and I have more things to say. So, I met this guy over winter vacation, and I talked to him, and then he left the hotel I was staying at, and I felt like we never properly said goodbye. So, later when I saw him again at the hotel, (complicated story, he thought he was leaving but then came back? I don’t know) I properly said bye to him. And, like the thing is I never really liked him, but when we hugged I was like “Oh shoot that was nice” which is kind of weird. And, it was like I wanted to spend more time with him. And, like I’m still a minor so nothing happened (thank God) and after waiting in the lobby because I wanted to talk and see him again. So, the thing is my parents gave me a set time limit on when I was supposed to come back to the hotel room, since we were leaving the next day. So, I was waiting in the lobby, and he (the guy I met- well not a “guy” he was a year older than me and we’re both in high school) came and started making small talk and then I invited him to go down to the beach-area with me, because I wanted to swing on this wooden swing the hotel had. So, like I invited him to go alone, with me, at night. I know, a terrible idea!!! My parents’ thought so. And, like the thing I don’t get is that it was like I had feelings for him only because of physical affection. Like, I don’t even know the guy! And so, (this is kind of hard to talk about because I feel like I did something wrong) we walked down, and he asked me where my parents’ were. (Red flag? Idk?) I said in the hotel room. Later he asked me if my parents’ knew where I was. (Another red flag?? Help me?) I told him yes…but actually no they didn’t I said. So, I swang on the swing and he stood next to me, and not once did he try to touch me, which I’m grateful for. So, I was swinging and I thought it would be “cool” if I flung my sandals off. God, that was probably sexual and stuff. Ahhhhhhh. And, like it’s like I wanted it to be. Is this bad? I swear I’m not like this!!! Well, actually I think I am like this, but am ashamed so I do things so as to be sex-negative. I think this also comes from other things. So, then he asked me if we should go sit on the orange swing. So, the orange swing was this cushion like two-seater swing, and I felt like yeah I wanted to go, but also felt pressured. I’ve had hard times saying no to other people. So, we sat down and stuff and he kept asking me, “And, now what?” Like, what did he WANT to happen? (Nothing happend by the way.) So, then my dad came to look for me since I didn’t have reception, and the guy never even walked with me to my dad. Like, what a coward. And, boy was my dad mad. I was late, and out at the pool by myself. And, the strange this was, I remember when we were sitting together I kept wanting to like hold his hand, drape my arm over his chest and hug him, and even kiss him! I don’t know where this was coming from. And WHY! I need answers I’m not getting. Why was I attracted to a guy I don’t even LIKE? Was it just because of this physical-ness of it? Did I just want to be with him to touch him? God, this sounds to sexual, but the thing is it is! And I feel dirty. At least, that’s what I think I should say, so as to condone my feelings.


I don’t know why I’m saying this, but I guess it’s because I’m tired of guys doing whatever they want to me and getting away with it, and then I feel like this is all my fault. I DON”T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING AT THIS POINT.

Help Yourself:

  • First things first, it sounds like you are very confused about this encounter. Good news is that you came to the right place! Thank you again for reaching out to us at TeenCentral for guidance!
  • Teenage years can be very confusing at times. Actually, teenage years are very confusing ALL the time. It sounds like what you were feeling is completely natural and a part of growing up. These feelings you are feeling are still new and new can be and is very scary. Have you ever taken any classes about puberty and everything that goes with it? Puberty is much more than the changes to our physical bodies. Along with those physical changes comes hormones. Hormones make us feel all kinds of different things. If you have not taken any of these classes or feel as if you might want to learn more, I suggest checking into what your school may have to offer. You can ask your gym or health teachers and even chat with your guidance counselor.
  • If your school doesn’t offer what you need, try talking to your doctor or school nurse to see if they have any suggestions or recommendations.

Have you tried these:

  • Have you spoken to your parents about these feelings? I know it is a difficult subject to discuss with your mother or father, but believe it or not they know what you are experiencing better than you may think. It may have been a long time ago for them, but they went through the same changes as well. Like I said above, this is a normal part of growing up.
  • If you are not comfortable talking to your parents you can consider someone else you know and trust and feel comfortable with. How about an older cousin, sibling, aunt or uncle?
  • Something to remember when exploring these feelings and dating is staying safe. Always remember to be smart. Be aware of meeting places, know red flags to look out for, understand the dangers of meeting people on line and how to safely navigate, and understanding your own personal boundaries and how to appropriately express them to others and respect them yourself.
  • Take some time to explore our website. There are several entries in the What’s New tab pertaining to safe dating as well as Stories others have submitted over the years. There is also information pertaining to Dating Violence and Digital Communication under Relationships in our Learn tab and Tools sections.