Stories

Confused all of my life

By May 10, 2020No Comments

I have been a very feminine kid everyone called a [derogatory name] and I got bullied a lot in primary school and even from some of my family members. My family do not know that I am attracted to men and are very religious. In High School I decided to change and act more straight although it wasn’t that convincing it still helped me get by. I started dating this girl who was actually my friend at first. The relationship lasted for about 5 years and in those years we never had sex until our final year of high school by then I knew that I was into guys, but I still wanted to please her as I felt obligated to do so. We tried having sex, but I was too stressed out and just couldn’t [do it]. I was so scared of hurting her and at the same afraid of being judged. We cheated on each other throughout the years we were together and do not get me wrong I loved this girl. But I always felt like there was this mental block being physical with her. We broke up after the last time she cheated and to be honest I was actually looking for an excuse to leave her at the time. In my first year of University I told all my closest friends that I was pansexual, but mostly wanted to date guys as I have never been with a guy before. They all accepted me and I grew more comfortable into my own skin and sexuality. In my second year I started chatting with some guys and started dating one of them, but after two months we broke up, because he felt like I was emotionally unavailable in the relationship. A week after we broke up I had a thing with a guy, we hooked up twice and would just kiss and [do other things]. I did enjoy myself. But it wasn’t all that. I really felt like my first time with a guy would have given my an answer or at least the satisfaction that I know I want to be with men, a revelation or something if that even makes sense. The following night me and my ex hung out and we kissed and somehow I enjoyed it even more than kissing that guy I had sex with and the mental block I was talking about earlier on has somehow disappeared or something . It felt more real and affectionate. Physically, I am more attracted to men and their bodies, but emotionally I don’t know. With my ex there is physical attraction, but not as much as with a guy and at this point I find myself having a crush on her again. I do not want to get into something with her and somewhere down the line my feelings or attractions just disappears and she is left with all the broken pieces. I do not want to hurt her, but I also do not want to miss out on something that could have been great. She went through something last year that changed her a lot and right now I am actually her closest friend. I really need advice on this please. I am so sorry for my bad grammar English is not my mother tongue.

HELP YOURSELF:

• Your sexuality is exclusive to you, and is often times very confusing. Making yourself vulnerable and sharing your story so openly with the Teen Central community must have took a lot of courage. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Opening up to anyone about your sexuality can be one of the hardest things anyone faces, but also one of the most freeing.
• Also– It’s not you, it’s them! If you are being bullied, judged or made to feel bad about yourself because of your sexuality, remember that there is nothing wrong with you. The problem is the other person’s ignorance and intolerance. If you are ever feeling so overwhelmed that you need immediate support, look under the “HELP” tab on Teen Central. There are resources listed specifically for support to the LGBTQ+ community.
• If you feel comfortable, try talking to someone you trust and feel safe with about how you’re feeling. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to about your feelings, your sexuality, and your relationships? This could be anyone, a supportive peer, a best friend, or just someone your trust. Getting some of those feelings out in the open can feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders.
• Teen Central also has many resources dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community. Under the “Learn” tab there is an entire section devoted to information regarding LGBTQ+. This info could be helpful to you if or when you decide to talk to your ex about your sexuality. Check them out.

CONSIDER THIS:

• Don’t stress about putting a name to your feelings. Often times it takes a while to begin thinking of yourself as gay, lesbian, or bisexual or any other sexual identity. Some people don’t begin to discover their sexuality until later into their young adulthood. So, take your time in discovering who you are. Don’t rush to “label it”. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just happen.
• What are some possible outcomes you might face by communicating with your ex? It might feel juvenile but writing those pros and cons down on paper can really help you get your thoughts together. Imagine the things you want to say to your friend and how the conversation will go. Then, jot them down in a journal or notebook. Preparing for those tough conversations will make your feel more at ease when you eventually have them.
• Sometimes when we worry about the future and possible negative outcomes too much, our mind tends to race. What are some things that has helped you in the past when you needed to ease your mind? Doing things that make us feel safe and positive can sometimes change our entire perspective. Find a quiet, safe space to reflect. Take a walk outside and embrace nature. When our mind is at ease, not focused on the negative, we can cope with stressful events better.