Stories

I Hate Myself

By July 31, 2020No Comments

I don’t know how to write this.
I wrote a phew stories about my life all throughout the year. I lost my grandfather and I realised I’m bi. If you don’t remember I wrote the stories
called Hurting and other ones. I did something horrible today, I cut myself. I’ve wanted to do it for a long time, but I always told myself that I will regret it and that if I did I would be worth nothing. I was also scared to be honest. Today was a normal day, I was actually quite happy. Then I suddenly thought of the fact that my dad said he would never accept a gay into my family, not knowing I am bi. The urge came back, the urge I fought before. A phew weeks ago I suddenly wanted to cut my arm but I forced myself to go to sleep. Today I gave in to it.

I am moving to a country to live with my family there. Its illigal to be gay there and you can go to prison for years. (I’m 12 btw)
About a week ago, my parents went on my phone and saw 2 girls kissing as my phone background. They asked me if I were lesbian and I said no. Then my dad started saying things like, good because I would never accept a gay into this family. A couple of days later He sat me down for talking to me about how it’s wrong to be gay and we don’t support it in this house. It felt like hours.

I was on my phone when I suddenly got upset and remembered the things my dad said. I rushed through the house looking for a screwdriver. When I found one I unscrewed the blade on the pencil sharper and I cut my arm with it. The thing is, I didn’t cry. I didn’t laugh, I had no emotions. After I realised what I did I started sobbing. Because I can never undo that. I feel worthless now.

My dad doesn’t understand me. Yesterday he saw me crying because I was looking at a picture of my grandfather. (he passed away a couple of months ago) my dad had no compassion. He basically said that it’s been too long for me to cry at this point and I should stop. I hate him. I hate me. I hate the world. I wish I could tell my parents that me believing something different from them is not me trying to disobey. I am a human not a robot. And I have my own views. And me going on my (phone) and separating myself from the family isn’t me becoming obcecced with technology. I just feel out of place. I can’t explain all of this to him and I hate it.

(I hope you understand this. Sometimes when I am upset I don’t make sence. I feel like I am making it up in my head. I don’t know.)

 

HELP YOURSELF:

  • Welcome back to TEEN CENTRAL! We’re glad that we continue to be a source of support for you. Like we said before – we never get tired of telling you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and YOU ARE BRAVE FOR TELLING YOUR STORIES.
  • The most important thing is that you are safe, physically and emotionally. Please take time to get medical attention for your cut – this could be as simple as washing the area with soap and water to make sure it’s clean and protecting it with a bandage or TELLING SOMEONE that you are hurt and need to go to the doctor or hospital. When your physical safety is at risk, it’s time to speak up – even if you’re scared or worried, tell someone. You could risk getting an infection and becoming very sick. Please take the time to do that now if you haven’t already.
  • It’s really important that you try to talk to someone when these feelings are so overwhelming. We know it’s hard when your feelings are so strong and your thoughts are moving so fast. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. HELP IS OUT THERE. You can call 1-800-273-8255 or text HELLO to 741741 ANYTIME DAY OR NIGHT and talk to a person that will listen to you and help you.

 

CONSIDER THIS:

  • Nothing good will come from beating yourself up for cutting yourself. Forgive yourself. You are not the only person that has felt like they had no other way to cope than to cut themselves. We understand cutting is a way some people deal with intense pain. And we also know that self-harm is not the only way to deal with intense pain. Check out the LEARN section for information about SELF INJURY, and the TOOLS section for creating a SUPPORT PLAN and POSITIVE SELF TALK. Also look at our WHAT’S NEW section about coping using art, journaling or deep breathing.
  • You explain yourself so well in your writing. Continue to use journaling, art, music and creative writing to express yourself. You and your parents may never see things the same way, but that doesn’t mean anything about who you are. As you continue to grow up, you’ll have more chances to meet and talk to different people, and find people that like the same things, think the same way and have the same dreams and goals for themselves as you do. THE WORLD IS SO BIG! Consider reaching out to the LGBTQIA Youth Talkline at   1-800-246-PRIDE (7743) or http://www.glbthotline.org/youth-talkline.html.
  • You’re facing another stressor soon in moving to a new place. Be kind to yourself and keep trying to find peace – in nature, in yoga or exercise, in creativity and art, in other trusted friends or family members. If you haven’t look at them in a while, check out the TOOLS sections for Sun Salutation, Daily Positive Reminder and a newer resource about Depression that can help you understand how it impacts you.