I am a 14 yr old gay teen and I have so many problems. It feels weird to say that. I was recently told I have depression. I am currently seeing a therapist, and he is helping, but there are things that I’m not comfortable sharing with him. I can’t control my emotions when I’m alone because I am so used to hiding them. Recently, I’ve been having panic attacks because I feel my emotions are taking over the control in me. I am slowly spiraling into a deep suffocating sea that I’m not able to get out of. I am so alone, I dream of a universe that I’m not alone. I dream that I have a perfect relationship with a guy named Ben and that we are deeply in love. I also dream about my friends and how perfect they would be and that they wouldn’t rely on gay best friend stereotype, where I have to care about everyone else’s emotions and not my own, to keep them entertained. But when I realize how lonley I really am, I begin to think about things that are so dark and twisted I cant even tell my therapist this without almost having an anxiety attack. Sometimes my mind goes to dark places and I dream about being raped by my bestfriend and his dad and molested by my teacher. In this twisted dream/nightmere, I suffer from severe seasonal trauma and depression. I’m not usually triggered, but when I am, I have to take psycadelic mushrooms as pescription, which is an actual thing and is legal in my state. But then, I soon try other drugs and get addicted. My parents find out and I leave the house and eventally get stabbed and thrown out of a moving vehicle, on the curb in my front yard by some predators, who I realize later sexually assulted me when I go to the hospital. But then I wake up from this dream and realize that what I just imagined was terrifying and that I have serious issues. I don’t think a therapist can help me, but I wanna know is there any way that I can find a way to be happy and not think about those things, by myself?
WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF:
- Thank you for taking the time to reach out and share your story with the Teen Central community. You have taken an important step toward answering part of your last question – do you have to do these things by yourself. The answer is no. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are steps you can take to help yourself, but the key is you have discovered that you don’t have to handle your problems alone.
- Sometimes it can feel like depression takes over your life – you described it as a deep suffocating sea. If you find these feelings really overwhelming you, and that you are at risk to lose control, we want to remind you that your safety is always first and that there are people waiting to listen and help. You can always reach out to 1-800-273-8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. You can also reach out to someone via text by sending HELLO to 741741. Reach out if you’re safety is at risk, even if you’re scared, and even if you’re not sure what to say.
- We’re so glad you have started talking with a therapist for help, and wonder if there are other people in your life that you could confide in about your thoughts or feelings? We’re talking about friends, relatives, close family friends, neighbors, teachers, community leaders, etc. Support comes in all forms. If it feels like too much to talk about these troubling thoughts and feelings, just letting someone know you’re having a tough time and could use some support can feel just as helpful. The things we struggle with don’t always have a quick answer or solution, but knowing that someone is aware we’re going through something and they care about us can help us feel a little less weighed down.
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE:
- It sounds like your therapist has been helpful so far, so consider if you could let him in on a little more of the anxiety and depression you’re struggling with. You don’t have to share everything right away, and it’s ok to say that you are worried about how he’s going to react. Therapists spend a lot of time learning how to listen carefully when someone talks about their problems, and they know that these problems are often really big or really hard to talk about. You don’t have to deal with the hardest problems alone. Check out our resource about MAKING HARD DECISIONS for some help deciding whether or not to share these more troubling thoughts.
- It seems like you’re having a lot of dreams about being sexually assaulted. If you come to suspect you have been assaulted at some point, there are many resources that you can turn to for help besides your therapist. You can always contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline, which is available 24/7 and is LGBT-inclusive at 1-800-656-HOPE or www.rainn.org.
- Anxiety can often go hand-in-hand with depression. Our LEARN section has information about Depression and Anxiety that may be helpful for you to read about. We also have resources in LEARN about sexuality that may be helpful as well. If you are looking for support and information about being gay, you can reach out to the Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender National Help Center by calling 1-800-246-7743 or http://www.glbthotline.org/youth-talkline.html.
- As you continue to work through these thoughts and feelings, please remember to take care of yourself. Spend at least 10 minutes a day doing something that makes you feel relaxed or calm, and gives you a break from the ongoing stress you’re struggling with. Exercising, listening to music, being creative or just taking some deep breaths may help reduce the amount of stress you’re feeling and bring some peace.