I’m a 15 year old who makes high B’s and A’s, and a non-binary pansexual without friends. My mom would kill me if she found out I was anything other than cis-gender and straight. She’s told me multiple threats about it. My relationship with my mother isn’t the best (same with dad), and honestly this has gone on for the past 5 years.
But, I’m not gonna share the whole parents ordeal. If you were to ask others what made me me, there would be some grey area. I’m the type of person whenever I do make friends… I tend to be whatever they like or find good in a way. With my mom, I act like I don’t wanna live with her (which isn’t the case), and etc. There isn’t a real me. I’m just empty, blank, and tired.
I always feel trapped like… is this really what I want, maybe [blank] wouldn’t like this or that. This has lead me to be very bad at decision making, and speaking how I feel. It scares me to the point I try to avoid it. Even when I’m given a yes or no question, I still hesitate on answering. I even hate social situations. You know when you have to stand in line to order food, I get so nervous when I order someplace new. It feels like if I mess up people are going to judge, or make fun of me. I hate it.
I never once felt empathy either. I had a friend who was struggling with self-image… did I fully care? no. My mom lost two loved ones recently, she came to me crying… did I care… nope. Had another friend tell me he was going to kill himself… did I care… I don’t know… I didn’t feel anything. Why am I like this. I lie, use people, why…? I wish I was never born….
I never felt sorry or bad for someone either… my mom says I lack empathy… that I could be a narcissist. That pissed me off. I ended up changing the topic so fast, and lying in my bed awake that night. Angry. At what? Her. She invalidates me… says cruel things… wishes I was dead… hurts me psychically. Then she says something like that… (I hate myself, wish I could do better)… she isn’t me.
I often day dream or lose focus. It does affect my life. I forget to do things, procrastinate, and zone out often. I see myself as someone more successful, happy, and “normal” in my little worlds. I even write songs in my head and sing them. I just…. stay in my head… maybe to escape the hate, emotional neglect, and loneliness.
I tell myself I’ll never be happy, I’ve came close to doing things that I couldn’t regret once it was done. My mom says if I were to overdose… she wouldn’t stop me, she wouldn’t care… it’ll be me being stupid. As long as I don’t do it at home. That one really hurt. I wanna talk to her… tell her I’m not okay… and what she’s doing isn’t either.
She wouldn’t know that I’m trying so hard, I smile even when I’m not happy. I try to get though the day, but my mind fails me. I want her to know that she’s really pushing as much as I’m pushing myself. I wanna tell her I’ve had experiences that I bottle up with everything else in fears of being invalidated and thoughts that I’m being dramatic and stupid. Then this turns to anger, irritation, and numbness.
Like… one night I was sleeping, my mom was trying to unlock the door… but the top lock was locked. I never locked that lock. But as soon as I opened the door, I was punched in the face. She thought I was doing something I had no business, when I was actually sleeping. She kept hitting me, pulling my hair, and attempted to choke me. I was blank, I couldn’t think. When she told me to go back to sleep, I lay down alone in my room.
And that’s when it hit. Holding back tears, hitting myself, my body trembling. I tried to keep it in, but the more I tried to keep everything on the inside, the more my body shook, the more my throat burned. The tears fell non-stop, my body was shaking, but my mind was blank. I laughed hoping I’d feel better, but I felt worse, I felt crazy… like I was going to die. It felt like hours (even thought it was only 25 minutes). All because of her. I hate my life, how I am, things I have to deal with.
I was so close to overdosing, but… I’m in high school so… it won’t be too long. I want to do something with my life. Become successful, help my mental health, get a cat, and things like that. I want to… not feel empty… at least… even if I lost myself.
- Thank you for making the brave decision to share your story with the TeenCentral community. If you take some time to read through the other stories on the site, you will see that each person has a unique set of experiences that may lead to many different emotional responses. There are no good or bad feelings; your feelings yours and are exactly what you need to feel in that moment. We all have those times when we feel lonely, numb, or empty and it is those very emotions that can actually help to connect us. Just like what you did by reaching out to us!
- If you ever feel so overwhelmed by these feelings, and the urge to overdose or hurt yourself feels unstoppable, please remember that help is out there! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You do not need to deal with these tough moments on your own! No matter the day or time, you can always call 911 (or your local authorities), call 1-800-273-8255 or visit the Crisis Text Line or text HELLO to 741741 to speak with somebody who will help and support you. The HELP page of TeenCentral.com has a lot of other great resources, including international options, that are available to assist as you navigate those tough experiences.
- You shared a lot about your relationship with your mom, much of which sounds really tough. Do you have any one in your life that you can share this experience with and let them listen to you? It could be another family member, friend, neighbor, guidance counselor, teacher – it’s really just about someone that you trust. Sometimes just having someone listen to us helps us feel calmer, which can help us think more clearly and not feel so overwhelmed.
- Violence is never ok. Besides the information we shared above, there are also people out there that can help you and your mom work through any physical or verbal violence and maybe even start to heal your relationship. There are so many reasons that people strike out in anger against each other, and this last year has tested all of our abilities to cope with stress beyond what feels “normal.” Consider using this website to find access to services in your area that can help with all kinds of issues – findhelp.org, by Aunt Bertha – The Social Care Network.
- You’re holding back your feelings and experiences from your mom. You have some good reasons for that, since it sounds like your mom is also struggling, but is there another way that you could open up some communication with her so that she knew how hard things are for you? You mentioned writing songs, so we know you’re creative. Consider writing songs, or making art that expresses your thoughts and feelings and share them with her. Even if she doesn’t know what to say or misses something you’re trying to share in your art, if she’s paying attention – it’s a start. You could try to explain one piece of it to her. Check out Journaling to cope with Stress and Art as a Coping Skill in our WHAT’S NEW section to learn more.
- In the LEARN section of Teen Central there’s lots of information about things like ANXIETY and DEPRESSION. Consider checking these sections out and if this may help you understand more about why you’re feeling so empty, blank and tired. You’re not the only one to describe feeling this way, and sometimes anxiety or depression can play a role without us even realizing it.
- We also want to help connect you with resources to support you as you learn more about who you are. Please reach out to the LGBT National Help Center at 1-800-246-PRIDE (7743) or online at http://www.glbthotline.org/youth-talkline.html.
- Taking care of yourself as you move through this stress in your life is one of the most important things you can do. And it doesn’t take special skills or equipment or training. Just taking some deep breaths and sitting quietly for 5 minutes every day can have a positive impact on our brains and bodies. Check out the WELLNESS section in LEARN to see more about relaxation and mindfulness. Please take care of yourself!