Stories

I Want to Kill Myself

By January 2, 2021No Comments

I want to kill myself. I’ve told myself many times that I have no purpose here. I’m starting to think that’s true. I mean I don’t have many friends, my family hates me they’re not supportive of anything. Every time I feel like talking to someone about something serious, I get shut down every time by the same words “you’re fine” just because I’m too young to understand what depression is. For so long I have been told that I’m fine and for so long I have been manipulated until I became numb, self harm hasn’t fixed that. I’m sick of living I just want to end it all. But I’m too scared to die. I’m scared that one day I’m actually gonna end my life. I hate being like this, I confuse myself to much.I make myself angry. I don’t understand, I want to die but at the same time, I don’t. I feel like I’m just not brave enough to risk it all. But I want to sleep forever. I don’t bring this up very often because I feel as if no one would care, so I push people away. I push everyone away. I hate being hugged or touched or kissed. But at the same time, I just want someone to hold my hand. Am I gonna be alone forever? Why would anyone love someone like me? I’m too confusing for people. I don’t want to sound mean when I tell someone “don’t touch me”, but I just can’t help it. I get scared when someone reaches for me. I feel like something bad is gonna happen. It’s like a monster reaching out for me trying to hurt me. The monster tells me to hurt myself or hurt others. The monster tells me to kill myself. I think the monster is me. I feel like I’m drowning in all of these words and thoughts. I’m drowning to the point where I don’t have any motivation or I have loss of interest in everything. I miss the feeling of happiness. I hate being aggressive and angry all the time. I hate being sad. I hate being confused and not being able to focus. I hate everything about myself. I just hate myself. Whenever I see a happy little family, I just get so jealous. I just want someone to love me,  care for me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I just don’t want to be abandoned all the time. Is that to much to ask for? I feel like I’m being selfish again. Which always brings me back to the option of killing myself.

HELP YOURSELF:

  • Thank you for trusting the TeenCentral community and sharing your story. We want you to feel supported, and WE WANT YOU TO BE HERE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are many people that struggle with depression on a daily basis, you don’t have to let it keep you down.  You can get various forms of help that would enable you to deal with the depression and the thoughts of suicide and self-harming.
  • PLEASE CALL suicide prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. DO IT RIGHT AWAY and whenever you feel hopeless or suicidal. There are people there 24/7 that will listen to you and help. If you can’t call you can also use this link https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. Also, you can text HELLO to 741741. 
  • It is very brave of you to be so open with your emotions and reach out for help. You mentioned that you have some friends. Can you trust any of them to tell them you’re not ok? Is there a trusted adult in your life that you can talk to? Think about neighbors, family members, guidance counselors, religious leaders, another trusted adult? Having a good support system is important. They can provide comfort by listening and sometimes some good insight, advice, and encouragement. 

CONSIDER THIS:

  • Please explore the TeenCentral website especially under the LEARN tab and click the “Depression”, “Self-Injury” and “Suicide” tabs. All of these sections can help give you some insight and comfort to handle your emotions right now. 
  • When you are going through a tough time emotionally, how about writing your feelings in a journal? Writing helps us to think problems through, brainstorm, and figure out ways to do things better. Check out “Journaling As a Coping Skill for Stress” in the WHAT’S NEW section. 
  • If writing is not your thing, how about exercise? Running, jogging or just taking a walk can be just the thing you need to clear your mind and begin to feel better. Exercising can feel good physically and mentally. Also, consider trying other things to improve your overall wellness. Look at the WELLNESS section in LEARN. Also look at the TOOLS section for information about Sun Salutation and Yoga. 
  • In the TOOLS section, there’s a SUPPORT PLAN that can really help guide you through hard times and figure out how others can help you.  
  • Reading self-help books, especially those geared toward suicide and depression would also be extremely helpful in dealing with your issues. Many people have gone through what you are going through, and share ways that they have been able to overcome. You can feel better, but it can take time. Please don’t try to do it alone. You need and deserve help.
  • Affirmations and positive self-talk is also critical for overcoming the “monster” you’re dealing with. Instead of thinking or saying “why would anyone love someone like me?”, try replacing that statement with “I am a beautiful person and extremely lovable.” Say it out loud to yourself. Why are you lovable? Because you are uniquely created and placed on this Earth with a purpose. You have something to offer, that is why you’re here.  Changing the narrative in your head, replace those hurtful sayings in your mind with positive, affirming thoughts, even if you don’t feel like it, can motivate you. Being committed to consistent positive thinking, saying positive statements out loud to yourself will help you tremendously.