Well theres a lot to unpack, first back in 2019 2020 and 2021 my father tries to take his own life between the months of december and january a total of three timesone time in each of the three years, then on May 24th at around 2 am, my father takes tries to take my mothers life by strangling her and i had to be the one to call the cops and i was hiding in a closet since my dad prior was somewhat abusive to me, and was very abusive to my sister, and then i have to move states and im not mentally ok and i have what i think are not to severe but still a problem of muderous intent that doesnt want o leave, i crave death, and i didnt know why, then on Jan 4th the day beofre my birthday ,my first girlfriend breaks up with me for the second time, since after she first broke up with me she gets with her tocix ex again, then she got with me again and i didnt think too much of it since i was blindly in love for the first time, she breaks my heart and says it was because i was too good, this shattered me (this is relevant to everything) then a month later i start dating a friend of mine that had helped me go back to being human again after the first girlfriend, and the day before valentines day she breask up with me, blaming me for several thing wrong in her life, and also saying how she never loved me too, then a month later again i go to a party my cloest friend is hosting and this girl im not too close with, that im friends with is playfighting a lot, i think nothing of it, since this isnt the first time, two days later my friends tell me she was flirting with me, and i talk with the girl about it and we start flirting and on thre fifth day of talking she friendzones me because in her own words “idk its js that the feeling i have with you is different than others i know i’ve liked so like it kinda threw me off yk” which comepltely shattered me, and i regretted not doing much with her since i was out of town, and couldnt see her since te party, i have my regrets for not even being able to hold her once, and just recently on April 6th or 7th my dad has a heart attack, and he is rushed to get help, and he doesnt wake up, and on Apirl 9th he is pronounced brain dead, and now i am just left as a void of a person i used to be i regret everything, i regret wanting him dead, i regret not holding her not even one time, i regret believeing her lies, i regret falling for her tricks, i regret and i regret, and now i may have depression, and im already pretty sure i ahe ADHD insomnia, and social anxiety, on top of all that, and now im just left as a husk of the person i used to be, im not even happy anymore, i have no motivation for anything, im just tired of my life spiraling downhill, i want it stop, whether thats my life or the downhill motion its going to be one of them soon, and if this keeps getting worse, i dont know whats going to happen with my regrets cutting deeper and deeper each and every day, more and more sufferage, every fucking day, i just want to be a kid again, and i cant even do that anymore, i jusrt want to feel alive, and not like im suffering, but no one cares im just a ( age) year old boy who swears too much and is disrespectful to his teachers, i dont know what to do with my life anymore, i dont exactly want to kill myself, but i want the sufferage to end, but if dying is the only way, then so be it
Things you can do right now:
It seems like you have a lot going on right now. First and foremost I want to thank you for having the courage to reach out to us and sharing your story with TeenCentral. Be proud of yourself for taking the first step and asking for help.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Grief and loss is a very difficult thing to deal with. There are common responses you may experience such as feeling emotionally out of control. If you click on our “Learn” tab, there is an entire section on “Grief and Loss.”
On the “Learn” tab you can also find information on Anxiety and Depression. For Anxiety, it talks bout the different types of anxiety, ways to cope with it and identifying triggers. For Depression it talks about signs and symptoms as well as warning signs.
You mentioned you don’t want to kill yourself but you want the suffrage to end, this can be overwhelming. If you ever feel unsafe or feel as if you need to talk to someone please reach out to our Suicide Prevention Hotline. They are available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You can reach them by visiting the website at: https://988lifeline.org/ or texting “HOME” to 741741. There is always someone just a text away.
Have considered talking to someone about how you are feeling? A trusted adult such as a teacher, guidance counselor or a family member? You also might be able to take a look at a professional such as an outpatient therapist. You could find this individual by looking at the back of your insurance card and calling that number. They will be able to find who is in network for you, and who might be located near you. Being able to talk to someone might help feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. This might help alleviate things and maybe bring a different perspective.
If you are up for it:
Have you considered writing in a journal? Sometimes that’s a great way to get out thoughts out and even use it as a source of communication. Journaling does some amazing things to the brain, because unlike talking we are processing through many different parts of the brain allowing for us to process through the event in its entirety.
Have you tried positive self-talk? Spending at least 5 minutes a day with positive affirmations has been linked to a more positive mind set. There are many resources out there on what some of the statements could be. For example: I am smart, I am kind, I am important.
Lastly, take a look in our Tools section. We have a great tool called the Conflict Conversation Organizer. This can help organize some of the thoughts that you are having when you are feeling overwhelmed by emotion when talking to someone that you might be in conflict with.