Hi, I am a 12 year old girl and I want to share my story. Please don’t mind how stupid it sounds I just wanna share how I feel.
So like ever since my mom had a baby, she never really gave me any attention unlike before she had a baby. And I understand that she’s busy and stuff with the baby, but she’s never affectionate unlike before. So after she had a baby, she would get angry often and would say hurtful things like “I wish you were never born”, “You’re so useless” and makes me feel like a burden, and she would also hit me and punch me like I’m some punching bag. Sometimes I feel like I deserve it because I’m really stubborn and I don’t listen to her at all.
She would also get mad at times because I don’t know how to entertain her baby and stuff like how am I supposed to know stuff like that!? I don’t have experience and I never watched a baby before. And sometimes I feel like I inherited her mean attitude. I would hurt the baby sometimes, hurt my pets, get angry at little things, etc. I always want and try my best to be good and follow my mom but somehow I don’t have the energy to do the chores and I would always feel lazy like I don’t have the motivation to do anything. Earlier she got mad at me because I hit her baby for crying so much, and I lied and gave her a fake reason why I hit him and said it was an “accident” but she’ll know that I’m lying because I would always lie and when she’d ask if I was lying I would feel guilty and tell her that I was. After, she punched me many times and kicked me. I think my stomach got hit because it really hurt. Then, she told me to sleep outside in the living room which I hate the most since it’s really dark and I’m afraid of the dark, that’s what she’d do whenever I’d do something bad.
Next, the only things that distracts me are school, and my phone. Alot of people hate school while I don’t want it to end, I don’t really care about the lessons I just love seeing my classmates, friends, and the guy I love. They’re the only ones that keep me going and I hate going back home in that hellhole. I’d always have suicidal thoughts, I’d always think what would happen if I die would my mom be happy? Since that’s what she’d always say, if I was gone she’d be so happy and she’d celebrate, and she’d laugh and joke about it while I take things seriously and I’d get hurt whenever she’d joke about it. I would always think what would happen if I jump off from my balcony, would I die or survive? And I would always think about running away from home and never coming back. I would really want that to happen but I don’t know where to go after.
I would always dream to work hard and run away and leave that monster. But at the same time, I love my mom. I miss her when she would always hug me and now, she just got distant from me. I would always say “I love you” to my mom and after she hurt me one time, I swore to myself to never say those words again. She would tell me she loved me sometimes but I’d just reply with an “ok”. My arms would often be covered in bruises and it’ll hurt if it gets touched. Sometimes I would have thoughts of me fighting back to my mom and hurting her back when I was older. She doesn’t have a job and relied on me to help her when I’m older. But I’m having second thoughts about it, yes she’s my mom and of course I’d help her. She sacrificed everything and took care of me. But I don’t know, she’d always make me feel that I’m a burden, that I’m useless and all I do is cellphone, cellphone, cellphone. I help around the house by doing errands, but she doesn’t really think much of it and still calls me useless. But maybe she is right and maybe I do deserve to be hurt, because when she’d tell me to buy things, do chores, or watch the baby, I would always feel lazy and my mom would have a hard time to make me do it. I’m so stubborn, and all I want to do it sit down and keep scrolling through my phone or just sleep. I just want to be at school with my friends and classmates, I don’t wanna stay at home.
It’ll be the worst summer break ever, I couldn’t wait and I want it to be school already it’s the only thing making me happy. But maybe I should be thankful with my life, other kids are homeless, poor, while I have a stable life with a roof over my head. The reason I’m writing this is just a vent, I just wanted to let everything out and if you have good advice, I’ll try doing it. And if you’ve reached this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my vent! I hope you have an awesome day/night and I wish you the best in life!!
FIRST THINGS FIRST
- Thank you for sharing your story with the TeenCentral community. It sounds like you’ve been going through a really rough time and it takes a lot of courage to put all of that into writing and to share it with other people. [No story is stupid!] If you’ve looked around on our website especially under the tab Stories you’ll find that other teens have been through situations that may have some similarities to yours. We want you to know you’re not alone.
- From what you are describing in your story it sounds like you are being abused by your mother. You can get help for this. Contact the Child Help USA National Hotline. This is a resource that is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in over 170 different languages. If you are suffering from child abuse, this hotline can help. Simply call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) or visit them online at childhelpusa.org. If you are located outside the United States we recommend that you text “home” to 741741. This is the Crisis Textline and they are able to help individuals from foreign countries find advocates in their home countries at times.
- Are there any other trusted adults in your life that might be able to help? By this we mean extended family, a pastor or youth leader at your place of worship, a teacher or guidance counselor? Have you ever thought of sharing what’s going on at home with someone else other than your mother? If so how did that go and did it help? Sometimes it can be helpful to get an objective opinion from an adult who isn’t directly involved in the situation.
- Something else to talk about in your situation is coping skills. You mentioned that you had thoughts of suicide, running away, that you have hurt your baby brother in anger and also that you’ve inflicted pain on pets. Actually, all of these things are coping skills but they are not good ones. They do help you get your anger and your frustration out but they won’t help you in the long run to make your life better. Unfortunately, younger people often resort to extreme solutions when they feel isolated and boxed into a corner with their problems. This is understandable especially if no one has ever taken the time to really teach you some of the coping skills you will need in life.
- Managing emotions (anger, frustration, jealousy, fear, anxiety, unhappiness, etc.)
- Visit our HELP PAGE any time you need to. These hotlines are there with people who will talk to you right away and will give you resources you need to connect to help in your community.
- Thank you for writing to us. The world needs you in it!