I have no clue where to start with any of this, but I’m writing it to get it all out of my system so, maybe I can start climbing out of this rabbit hole. I hope so anyway.
For the past month, I’ve been progressively getting worse in terms of anxiety. I’ve always dealt with anxiety, but since the Coronavirus pandemic, it started manifesting itself in a different way because I don’t really have anyone to compare myself to. After that, my emotions, specifically my anger, have gone out of control. I’ve been raising my voice and overreacting about little things, which is unlike me. Then, I tried to virtually isolate myself by not texting or calling any of my friends and family (but I stopped after a bit).
After that, it was the self-harm, and that got bad. While not as intense now, the urge still pops up sometimes.
After that, it was the physical isolation, where I would just stay in the basement and rarely go upstairs or go outside. There were really long anxiety attacks. More recently, bad memories from my martial arts classes have suddenly started popping up in my head, and it’s making my anxiety worse (like leaving class, breaking down, freezing, not doing as well as others, accidentally breaking my friend’s face, etc.).
The most recent addition to the list of issues is borderline hyperventilating and my heart racing at the thought of any of my Kung Fu friends or anything that triggers my anxiety.
I feel like I can’t ask for help, especially from those I usually do (family-like Kung Fu friends), because they’ve already put so much time into helping me before and now, and I feel so guilty. I feel like I don’t deserve them, and my feelings of inadequacy and not-belonging are returning more intense than ever. I feel like I’ll never get out of this, but I can’t handle the advice anymore. I can’t handle anything, and I can’t even do things I enjoy anymore without having a prolonged anxiety episode. I feel like I’m just waiting until I get depressed enough to off myself.
- Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to say how you are really feeling. There are many people right now that are experiencing some form of anxiety of varying intensity. Isolation is so hard especially now, with the Stay-At-Home order. The feelings that are coming up for you are to be expected under these circumstances, even though you may have managed them therapeutically in the past. Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling them again. It’s understandable – truly.
- Since you mentioned the urges to hurt yourself it’s important that you have a few numbers in your phone in case of emergencies. First is the 24/7 Crisis Textline – Text “HELLO” to 741741 and someone will immediately be there to interact with you if you are feeling urges towards self-harm or suicide. PLEASE put this in your phone. Also the 24/7 Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. If you’d rather hear a voice, then call this number. Put both numbers in your phone. This way you have immediate access to help any time of the day or night if you need help. Since TeenCentral is a different kind of website and we sometimes take longer to get back to our story writers, we want to make sure you have those resources at your fingertips.
- You said you feel that you can’t ask for help and it’s sad to see you write that. If at any point you change your mind about that please think about the people in your life – maybe even besides your family-like Kung Fu friends. My thought is they may care for you so much that they would be willing to be there again. But if you are worried about going to them again, what about an older sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, sports coach, spiritual leader? I don’t know what your relationships may be with any of these people, but this is just meant to get you thinking outside of the box. Talking in person with people can be helpful.
- Self-care is so important all the time, but especially right now. Start thinking about the various areas of your life that should ALL have attention like your physical health, mental health, spirituality, education, relationships, family and other areas. It’s okay for you to be taking this time to care for yourself and seeking ways to handle some of the issues you are experiencing.
- One of the best activities that can help calm anxiety is physical movement and exercise – and there are SO MANY ways a person can do this. TeenCentral has a Wellness area on the LEARN tab as well as Yoga Pose, Running Guide, and Strength Guide downloadables on the TOOLS tab that all may be useful to you.
- There is an area of Anger Management under the LEARN tab on TeenCentral you might want to take a look at. There’s a quote there that I think you will understand very well, “Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” ~Eckhart Tolle Think about this quote and maybe use it as a topic in your journal. You seem to be in tremendous pain right now and this pain lies underneath your anger. The Anger Management area under the LEARN tab there is also some help for communication that may help you.