I’ve written a lot. Like A LOT now. I don’t really know what to say because I have so many thoughts in my head right now. I realized I’m bisexual last year. And I know I am because I see myself with a wife more than a husband. Yes I’d date a boy but I like girls more. I’ve had lots of secret girl crushes of people I’ve seen online. I get butterflies in my stomach when I look at a photo of them. I am still figuring out if I’m bi or pan or other.
A few months ago I would scratch my arm until it got red and irritated. It only happens about a couple times a week. But its NOT self harm. I know last time you said that it was but I don’t want to believe that. Because if I do I fall into the category of self harming depressed teen. And i’m not even 13 yet. I don’t know what it is but It’s not self harm. Sometimes if I think about my problems I shake my hands a lot. And I become fiddley [fidgety?]. I don’t know what that is either. (sorry I know I sound like I’m making it up. But I promise I’m. Not)
I feel alone. Being home-schooled didn’t help that either. And at this point I’m used to it. My emotions are gone. At least when people are around I pretend they are.
I don’t want to be alive in a world like this. I know it sounds childish but sometimes I cry because I wish I lived in the worlds in the movies I watch. It’s perfect and peaceful there. Earth is full of homophobic and trans-phobic and racist and other hateful people. i just wish everything could go back to the way it was when I was a child and I didn’t know my parents HATE (gay) people like me. When I didn’t know the world hates people of my color. I wanna leave but I’m trapped on earth.
- Please feel free to write as many times as you want to TeenCentral especially if you find it helpful. This is why we are here. You are never a bother to us and we never think that young people are making up their stories. We know that youth out there are really struggling. This is why TeenCentral exists and it’s our passion to be here for you. Please remember two things: 1) you are brave for telling your stories and 2) you are never alone. TeenCentral is here.
- You told us a LOT of important things in this story which was very helpful in explaining what you’re going through. We have a couple of resources that may be helpful for you as you are figuring things out and I’d like to mention them here for you.
- Figuring out if you are bisexual, pansexual or other: Please go to the LEARN tab and look under Sexuality and then the LGBTQ pop-out tab if you haven’t already. There is a lot of good information there for youth who are questioning.
- Scratching your arms and becoming fidgety/fiddley: Under the LEARN tab click on Anxiety. Maybe this really is not self-harm but is more a symptom of anxiety for you. If so, also see under the TOOLS tab Sun Salutation, Weekly Mood Tracker, Stretch Yoga Pose and Self Positive Talk. No matter what label you put on this habit, it all boils down to you looking for some sort of release, and you are seeking it in a physical way.
- Feeling alone and upset about injustices and discrimination: This is really a tough one when we consider not just being home-schooled but also the last few months of being quarantined in our homes away from the few people we did interact with in churches and local businesses or places where you may have taken lessons or something like that. On top of this we are all having passionate feelings about what’s happening in our country right now. We aren’t happy with the way things are. Many people are feeling like you are; you aren’t alone in this. If you are ever feeling so isolated or upset that you would consider hurting yourself then it’s time to speak out. Talk to one of your parents or call/text a hotline. The one we would recommend first is the 24/7 Crisis Text Line. Just text “HELLO” to 741741 and start a conversation.
- We would like to encourage you to look at some of the recent “What’s New” blogs on TeenCentral if you haven’t already. Several of them highlight different types of coping skills, some specific ways to handle anxiety and getting through the quarantine period. I think you might really enjoy reading them and who knows? You may find a nugget in there that’s really helpful for you! You can find them by clicking HERE – What’s New Blog
- You mentioned wanting your life to be like the movies that you watch, and being upset that it’s not possible. The interesting thing about films is that we often notice a lot of strengths in the main characters that they aren’t aware of themselves. If your life, as it is right now, was actually a movie, what do you think the viewers would say about you that you are unable to notice in yourself? From right here, I can already tell that you are very self-aware and are dedicated to bettering yourself, which is why you’ve reached out to us! What else could people say about you as the main character?
- Feeling discriminated against because of your sexuality, heritage, or skin color can feel scary. If you are unable to openly speak with your parents about your stressors then who are you able to turn to? It’s possible that you would benefit from joining together with individuals who have previously, or are currently going through similar situations. On our Help tab, there are a few numbers and websites for LGBTQ+ advocacy groups and support networks, this could be another way to connect with similar people, and to involve yourself in something that makes you feel less isolated. We will never tire of reminding you that you are not alone.