My parents don’t really trust me at all and it kind of makes sense based on things I’ve done. I don’t blame them for my actions, but I did what I felt was best for me in probably not the healthiest ways. But, it’s hard to be positive and ignore all the toxic things in your life and feeling that you cant talk to really either one of your parents about it. So I seek ways to help. I do want them to feel that they can trust me and that I am capable of keeping myself safe. I’m 15, so I want to be able to hangout with my friends and such but they feel that I wont make the right decisions and that they are a bad influence. I want to earn their trust back, but I am not sure how and I feel that no matter what I would do they’d still feel that way. I feel that they try to guide and shape me but they did not do too well at that when I was younger age which may have been more beneficial.
I’ve never felt that I could tell them things. I never opened up or felt I had a close relationship with them while I was younger. So now they think I just keep everything a secret and that I should be able to just talk to them about any and everything. At this age, I feel that it’s too late for them to try to change my actions or the way I think about things especially with me being a gay female. I try to put myself in their shoes and understand that not every parent is going to find this easy to accept or not be in denial about. But when I admit that I am gay to them they tell me that if I keep telling myself this that’s what I’m going to believe. I’ve known for the past 6 years that I am gay. My parents found out by going through my things so I did not even get the chance to have a proper conversation with them about it. Both of my parents are religious and they say how God created man and women to be together..you know the story.
Growing up, my family on my dad’s side would tell anyone who thought they were gay in my family that they were an abomination and that they were going to hell. My father is very homophobic and a recovering alcoholic. So it’s hard to feel comfortable around him. He also degrades me and generally makes my mental health worse. He doesn’t pay for much and he just takes my phone and goes through it looking for the things that I don’t tell him. He also says that he’s getting to know me by reading texts from my friends that are my age which makes no sense because I have different types of friendships with different people. I’ve even wrote him a letter apologizing for certain things and telling him how I felt about our terrible relationship and what he’s done to make me feel. He ignored the letter and kept the same tension energy that we have between us. He believes that he’s been too nice to me and that it hasn’t worked for him. So he says he stoops to my level as a 15 year old which is childish. My mom just allows this because he’s my father but him and my mom constantly argue and have never actually been together in a relationship though he stays here with us. So there is always some type of issue between all of us. My mom believes that it’s all out of love and that he just wants the best for me, but this is hard coming from the type of mom she is. My mom drinks every single night and will most of the time have too much to drink and says hurtful and offensive things to me. She’ll also say that I might have to live life the hard way and that if I really want to leave then I should because she feels “Disrespected” even though she’d just call the cops or send me to a foster home. I’ve tried telling her that her drinking doesn’t help things with us and causes more conflict but it is her coping mechanism. It just sucks that I wont be able to talk to my mom about dating or things like that because she doesn’t condone it with a girl nor at my age. I’ve honestly accepted this fact but it just makes me feel like I’m keeping more secrets from them just so they aren’t uncomfortable and just so that I can be me without feeling judged. They make me feel like I’ve really disappointed them but this is just who I am. So I guess I’m asking for ways to possibly rebuild or build or build up my relationship with my parents rather then being miserable trying to look for ways out.
WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF
- Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts with the TeenCentral story. We are so honored that you shared such a vulnerable situation with us and we hope that our resources and advice will help you continue to work through the issues you are having.
- The TeenCentral website has some areas that you might want to look at further. The “HELP”tab has a list of hotlines and their websites that you might want to contact. If you are feeling as if you need someone to talk to, please consider the Youth Talkline: 1800-246-PRIDE (7743). You can also visit their website to check out the talkline hours and call. Talkline offers support for LGBT youth. Also, if you are feeling unsafe or overwhelmed, consider calling Child Help USA. This is a 24-hour hotline with people who want to listen to you and help. 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) http://www.childhelpusa.org/ We want you to know these resources exist just in case you’d like to talk to someone who will give you a more immediate response – or if you ever feel like you’re in a crisis situation. Keep these numbers in your phone so that you can access them easily.
- I strongly suggest that you look through the MANY stories that are gathered here on this website from other young people in your age group. You won’t believe how many others have similar stories with issues concerning coming out to their parents and it not going well for one reason or another. And this is ESPECIALLY true in families that are (or claim to be) religious. I point this out to you because I think it would do you some good to read through some of these stories and even see what some of the responses are to those stories. If what we have written here doesn’t hit the mark for you, there may be a response to another story that really helps you.
- Talking with someone in your life who you trust might also help. You love your parents and want a better relationship with them. Perhaps you can reach out to a relative that you trust and know cares about you and discuss what is going on? Is there anyone in the family you think may be sympathetic to your situation who could give you some really good advice considering how to approach your parents? Like and aunt or uncle, older sibling, cousin? Also, if family members will not be supportive, think about finding another trusted adult in your life, from school or a professional helper, who you could try to talk to about how you are feeling.
- I think it’s admirable that you want to reconcile with your parents and that you don’t want to just “throw away” the relationships. This is really mature of you and unusual to see in a young person (at least unusual to hear them verbalize). So I will tell you this – you must focus on the things that YOU CAN CONTROL in the situation. You can’t control their behavior (their perspectives on LGBTQ issues, their drinking, they way they choose to respond to you, etc.). You can only control YOUR perspectives, YOUR behaviors, YOUR responses. And even though right now the relationships may not be very good – your choices now may have long reaching impacts. So think about that, okay? We are pretty proud of you and how you are handling yourself right now – just wanted to say that.
- The TeenCentral website has an entire “LEARN” educational section on LGBTQ issues including the primary issue of “coming out”. I would recommend taking a look – CLICK HERE.
- Some teens find that writing down their feelings, can be really helpful. Consider writing all your feelings down the next time you are feeling sad about your parents actions, or trapped at home. Writing can be a huge stress reliever. Do you know why? Well you just might have to read our WHAT’S NEW BLOG on that topic – CLICK HERE
- We have faith in you kid! Keep your head up and write into TeenCentral anytime.