Stories

Hurting

By June 29, 2020No Comments

Thank you for the response for the story I wrote called confused and afraid. It helped but now I feel like I’m going backwards. I don’t know why I feel upset because I’ve had a decent life. I should be grateful and I hate myself for not loving my life. I started banging my head with my hand when I am upset. The scratching still happens. But I feel like I am being stupid because I will do it if I get my phone taken away or if I think about bad things. These are stupid reasons. And I don’t know why I do it. I wish you could see the pain as I see it, so you would know what is wrong with me. Here are the bad things thats happened so far in my life:

1.  no friends;

2. homeschooled and alone;

3. grandfather died and I didn’t say goodbye when I had a chance;

4. found out that I might be bi or pan;

5. parents are homophobic;

6. always hearing about people being killed for being the same color as me;

7. scratching and banging;

8. shaking hands;

9. social anxiety;

10. coronavirus;

11. always being called lazy by parents;

12. parents blame everything on my phone I just got on my birthday in may;

13. I am ugly;

14. when everyone went to secondary school I stayed homeschooled so everyone became more mature than me; and

15. and my cousin who is the same age as me, is different from me because of that.

When I look at that list, all I see are stupid reasons to hate my life. I am a disappointment. I can’t even handle normal everyday life things. I fear that I will take my life. I don’t want to but I fear I might one day. I don’t sleep at night either. This is what happens when I am angry or think about bad things:

1. I want to scratch my arm or bang my head with my hand;

2. If I don’t then my hands start to shake;

3. I scratch my arm or bang my head over and over again; and

4. I have to distract myself so I don’t continue for long.

I hope that makes sense. Sometimes if I am reading a book or watching a movie, if it doesn’t end the way I want, I get upset. I think that’s normal though. Please help me figure out what wrong with me.

(Also, I have been writing since January and you have helped a lot. I don’t know if it is the same person but thank you. I felt like I have someone who cares.)

HELP YOURSELF:

  • Thank you so much for trusting us here at TeenCentral with your stories! It sounds like you are going through a lot. You are not alone in your experiences. Hopefully TeenCentral can be a continued help to you.
  • We really encourage you to tell someone when you are not ok. If you don’t think you have a person like this in your life right now, there are people that want to listen and help that you can reach 24/7. If you have a phone, put 1-800-273-8255 into it. This is the National Suicide Hotline. Call it anytime you need to talk to someone right away. If you like texting better, you can also text “HELLO” to 741741. You can also go to their website www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If you don’t have a phone, write these things down somewhere that you can find it easily when you need it.
  • Check out the LEARN tab on TeenCentral’s website to read about Suicide, Depression, Self Injury, Sexuality and many other topics that could help you. Having more information about what’s going on can help you feel more in control and prepared to overcome these difficult times. It’s also easy to feel alone when you are stressed because of what is going on around you, but you are not alone, and we invite you to read other people’s stories to see that.

CONSIDER THIS:

  • Have you ever tried writing or journaling to get your feelings out? Sometimes jotting down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful outlet to help manage emotions. You can also use it to reflect on the positive qualities you have. Stress can affect your emotions and thoughts and bring out more of the negative feelings than the positive ones. Writing your feelings down can help navigate your emotions and help you reflect on you, so you can try to understand what needs to change.
  • When you start to think about negative things, immediately focus your mind on the positive. Think about things that make you happy, think about your positive qualities, think about your goals and ambitions and what you hope to achieve in life. Consistent practice will eventually change your mindset. What changes would you see if you started to think positively of yourself everyday? What are some of your positive qualities that make you an awesome individual?
  • What are the hobbies and activities you have done in the past that you’ve enjoyed? What activities do you enjoy and make you feel good that you can continue or start doing? It can be the smallest positive, healthy activity that brings you  joy – keep doing it.
  • Also- sleep is super important to your physical and mental health. Try some relaxation techniques before bed to clear your head from all of the thoughts running through it. Deep breathing is often times really helpful. Try finding a comfortable position, closing your eyes and taking several deep breaths. If negative thoughts pop into your head, acknowledge them and then let them pass.