Stories

I didn’t know before, but now I have NO IDEA.

By July 7, 2021No Comments

Since I was 11 or 12, I never knew what was wrong with me in the sense of mental health. But the past few days are so different. I don’t know what to do.

HI I’m that mystery girl who’s used this website as an escape for the last couple of years. here’s a bit of what I’ve been through up till now:

grandad died
discovered I was bi in a homophobic household
assaulted by my own brother
moved to Africa from the UK
never really had friends
parents guilting me all the time because I didn’t continue working a job they wanted me to.
I PHYSICALLY can’t make friends. Idk why but it’s impossible for me.
I’m not Christian anymore because of my experiences. Yet I’m reminded every day that I’m committing a “sin”
I’m in a homophobic country in a homophobic household so I can’t come out
my dad threatened to disown me if I were gay years ago.

(Reading this you can probably tell I’m a storyteller at heart. for me it just make things easier to think about if I write this way. sorry)

There’s a lot more, but thinking about it I always seem to forget. I kept it on my phone but it stopped working suddenly. The last few days have been scary for me. Here’s why:

Things were better for me recently, the last time I was really upset was on my 13th birthday. Because my parents made it all about them and their arguments. Since then I’ve been working with my parents in the family business and I really enjoy it! But every time they tell me they love me is a constant reminder that they’re fake. That they wouldn’t if they knew the real me. (Sounds like a story right)

My “friend” ghosted me maybe 2 weeks ago. But I realized that I was happy without them. I was so okay with life a couple days ago. But then, my brain started creating this character in my head. It tells me I’m worthless and to kill myself. I almost did it a 2 days ago. Every night I cut myself again, so I can stop hearing it telling me these things. And so I can sleep for a while. I can’t sleep if I don’t. Or if I don’t hurt myself so I can have any pain to focus on.
I know it’s not real. But I feels so real it’s scary. I know it’s just my voice. And I’m controlling the voice but it torments me.
The world is such a bad place. I HATE IT. I hate it so much it drives me insane and this voice isn’t helping. When I say voice I don’t mean it figuratively. I mean literally. There’s this voice I put inside my head and I can’t get it out.

I ran away with my mum and my sister. Then we came back. Then my parents got together again. After all of that. I hate myself for it but I WISH my dad left, or they broke up. Because then I don’t have to worry about him kicking my out in the future. All because the STUPID WORLD told him my being gay is a STUPID SIN. I worry SO MUCH it drives me crazy.
I’m only 13, should I have to feel like this? I hurt so much, physically it hurts. My arms ache from the self-harm. My stomach hurts all the time. My back hurts. The palm of my hands hurt when i think about all this. Lately I feel like I can’t breathe enough. I even started doing these things. A lot like (tics I think). But it only happens when I think about it. So I know I’m doing it on purpose.
I hate everything right now. The world, my parents. Myself. The reason this voice is here is because I want an excuse to let me know I’m not alright in the head. But I want to get rid of it. I sound so crazy.

There’s this guy I look up to in a show. A comfort character. Then he died in the show so I decided to look him up and see what other shows he’s in. I saw he went through the EXACT same thing I do. He’s gay, and tried to take his life before. Idk why but that made me so miserable. That the world is such a bad place that people like him are driven to do such things. I was driven to it before. I’m literally 13, and I’ve already tried to take my life before. One time it got bad and every half hour, I would take 2 more pills, and hope it killed me. I used my flu as an excuse, because I ended up feeling really sick by the end of the day. No one knew. It was so easy to pretend to be ok. I’m glad no one knew. Because really I have nothing to end my life over.

What’s going on? Please help me or I might just attempt again. I can’t seem myself dying any other way. And I’m only 13.

 

HELP YOURSELF:

  • FIRST – Your safety is extremely important to us. Please Text “HELLO” to 741741 or Call 1-800-273-8255 when you feel like hurting yourself. Please don’t wait, or talk yourself out of it. There are lots of people that want to support you (like us!) and and rooting for you to get through this difficult time in your life.
  • TAKE A DEEP BREATH. You have had A LOT of stuff going on for a while and it’s ok to struggle with it. This doesn’t mean that anything is “wrong” with you. Mental health is complicated and when stressful things keep happening, it’s easy to feel like your entire life is falling apart and you don’t have a handle on anything. You are not alone in this, and there is HOPE!
  • Thank you so much for continuing to trust us when you need support. The TeenCentral Community and all of our resources are here to help. A good tool right now may be the Support Plan. Here’s a link: SUPPORT PLAN
  • Having a site you can go to for support and help is awesome but having someone in your own life is even better. We hear that things are difficult with your family so is there any other adult in your life you can talk to?

WHERE TO GO FROM HERE:

  • Writing and storytelling are great coping skills and ways to express yourself… KEEP WRITING. You can write your feelings, thoughts, goals, dreams or even get creative. You mentioned a show that you like and a character in it that provided comfort. Why don’t you write your own script for a show? You can base it off your life or make something up, whatever you want.
  • Often times our emotional stress can start to take a physical toll on us if not managed. It can even lead us to have negative self-talk in our heads that feels like it takes over and won’t go away. It seems like this may be happening to you. It’s important to find healthy outlets for this stress, like writing. Are there any other positive hobbies that you enjoy doing like exercising, being in nature, or arts/crafts? The more coping skills we have the better off we are.
  • KEEP GOING. At 13 years old, it’s really the start of the journey in understanding your mental health and taking steps to improve it. It can absolutely feel like you don’t know what you are doing and you aren’t making progress but that’s ok. Progress isn’t always forward. Sometimes having a bad day and just being able to get back up and try again is a huge success. Don’t give up, YOU ARE WORTH IT.