Stories

I hate myself

By May 4, 2020No Comments

So I’ve previously written stories to TeenCentral. When I feel like I have a bad day, I turn to writing. I read your response; then I feel better. But then the bad days come again. I’m sorry to waste ur (your) time.

When I was about 9 my mom’s friend had a daughter. she was a bit older than me . She never touched me, but she introduced me to p*rn (pornography) and other gross content. I don’t remember much, but I remember then introducing my sister to it to. She was young and I will never forgive myself for it. My parents caught us and we were in a lot of trouble. I’m glad they did, and I can’t help but wonder how my sister and I would have been if the whole thing never happened. Now I treat my sister horribly hitting her when I’m angry and saying mean things. She knows I love her and I’ve tried my best to be a better sister. But I sometimes cry because I know she deserves better than me.

I hate everything about myself. From the fact that I am ugly to the fact that I never spent more time with my grandfather before he died. his birthday was on the same day as my mom’s! He would have been 81 a few days ago… I am a horrible person.

I lie sometimes and I’m pretty sure I support gays and maybe I am gay… and that’s a sin, so when my family is in heaven I’ll be in hell. That doesn’t seem fair.

I asked my mom if I have anxiety. She said that I do sometimes, and that I just don’t cope the same as some others do. I just feel alone.

Ever since I was young, I felt different. Now I sound like a child but I always felt a connection to the sea, like I was a spirit and it was calling me home. Now realise I made that up to keep me from my social anxiety, or maybe I was just coping differently. I don’t know why I’m writing again, but I hope things get better. I feel like I’m in a pit of water. I swim up and sink back down further. Doesn’t seem like I’ll ever reach the surface.

HELP YOURSELF

  • We are so glad to welcome you back to TeenCentral and to hear your stories again and again, as many times as you’d like to write to us. I can understand how you may be concerned that you’d be a bother – especially of other adults in your life have made you feel that way in the past. But here at TeenCentral we enjoy listening to young people. It’s what we do and we are never too tired or too busy or too bored. So never stop writing! It’s good for you to continue processing your thoughts, feelings and experiences. You never know – one day all of this could become a best selling book! One note of explanation though – we sometimes tweak a few things in the posts to protect the identities of the young people who write to us.  We are definitely overly cautious about that. We don’t want anyone out there to start putting together who you are, so if you see a few edits in your post – that’s why – so that you remain completely anonymous!
  • You have a few really important issues in your story and I know you are familiar with TeenCentral, but I still would like to point out a few resources on the site that may be of some help to you based on what you wrote:
    • First let’s talk about what happened with the daughter of your mom’s friend. More than anything else I want you to know that what this older girl did by introducing you to pornography was not your fault. Before this point you had no knowledge of it and you could not have been held responsible for her decisions or actions. It sounds like when she first showed it to you that your reaction was negative – you thought it was pretty “gross”. If I had to guess, I bet you were pretty confused as well and weren’t sure what to do with the information she gave you. So, you shared it with your sister. You now regret that decision, and I understand why you regret it. But my thought is you may have made that decision out of confusion at the time. I could be wrong – but it sounds like a lot of information to digest for a young girl. You were certainly grossed out as you mentioned, and perhaps overwhelmed and confused, so you made this decision to share it with someone close to you. You probably had no idea at the time how viewing that content would impact both of you – or I’m sure you would not have done it. On TeenCentral.com there are two sections concerning Relationships and Sexuality on the LEARN tab. These sections don’t speak specifically to pornography, but they do speak to healthy sexuality and healthy relationships, so I thought this information may be helpful to you. I think it will also help you with some of the other comments you made in your story about sexuality and possible questions you may have about that.
    • You also mentioned that you sometimes hit and say mean things to your sister when you’re angry with her. I wonder – are these things connected in any way? Do you think it’s possible that your regret over what happened in the past is connected to your anger that you feel in the present? The fact that you sometimes cry about these situations and say to yourself that she “deserves better than [you]” makes me think that your anger may all be about the same thing – your frustration, confusion, and overwhelm about being introduced to sexual content in the media at an age when you were FAR too young to understand and handle it, and then the regret you feel for including your younger sister in this experience as well. All of this adds up to someone who is just really hurting and taking it out in anger in other negative ways. What do you think about that? On TeenCentral.com we have a great section on Anger on the LEARN tab. I highly encourage you to explore it and see if it might be helpful to you. Maybe learning to control your anger, and forgive yourself for something you were FAR TOO YOUNG to be responsible for, could help you “reach the surface” a bit on this issue.
    • It is not surprising that anxiety is also something you experience. TeenCentral also has a section for Anxiety on the LEARN tab that hopefully will assist you as you continue to explore ways to cope with negative emotions that crop up from day to day. Also, under the TOOLS tab is a Mood Tracker. This is a tool that you can download and print for yourself. Use it to track your negative mood shifts and see how often you are experiencing anger and anxiety. This can be very helpful.

CONSIDER THIS

  • The last paragraph of your story was very beautiful to read. I think you should continue writing in journals and recording even small snippets of your emotions and thoughts, characters, short stories and poems. You have real potential as a writer, and that could mean a lot of different things. Writers do many things in this world, so never limit yourself. Just think about that and keep writing.
  • There is one homework assignment that I think would be really helpful for you. Under the TOOLS section on TeenCentral is something called a Support Plan. You can download it and print it out. Work on filling it out and seeing how it could really help you bring voice to the things you need when you are feeling badly about your life. Then if you’re feeling super brave – maybe share it with your mom or dad. Communicating with them and telling them what you need when you are feeling down, angry or anxious could be really powerful.