Most Alone I’ve Ever Felt

I feel like [explicit] and i cant talk to my own parents, so im forgetting the facts for now, and focusing on how i feel. This is just a small part of it…

(Im not sure i you allow swear words on this site, i understand if not and u can change them if you need to. I wrote this to vent, and decided to post it after btw.)

Today i found out that my grandmother doesnt want me to live with her, so my only chance of going to [original home country] is gone. And my cousin who i grew up with like siblings has been ignoring me. And my friend is graduating another year. We would be in the same class if i went to school.

I swear to god i feel like killing myself and im scared ill try. Ill try again and this time ill actually die . Ive been thinking about it alot recently and i cant wait to die.

The unknown scares alot of people, but oddly i find comfort in it. I love that i might never know if god is real, i love that every single thing i believe in could be wrong, and that ill never know. Because theres nothing i can do about that, except wonder, and i have a great imagination. So yeah, i cant wait to die, because when i do, everything might stop. I might stop hating myself, hating everything, i might stop existing. I might even find out the secrets to the universe or something.

But living on this earth? Whats the point? I have nothing to live for except my siblings and my dog. Ive been holding on for them, i swore i wouldnt attempt  for the 5th time but i cant take it anymore. Every week i relapse, i argue with mum every single day. All i want to do is be normal, i want to go to school, i want to make friends, i want to fall in love, i want to own things, i want to feel accomplished. I want to stop feeling like i ruined my life because my parents never stop telling me that i did.

So many things bother me these days that i can never talk about.  I try to talk wih my dad, he calls me the devil, or says that im evil and it destroys me. As for my mum, she  just pushes me away.

Why do i have to label myself? Why should i? Why cant i just be a person? Not a boy, not a girl, not nonbinary, but anything and nothing at the same time.

Why cant i just like people, when the time comes, why cant i just fall in love with someone, why does it matter who they may be?

Im not bi, im not a girl, im not a boy, im not a lesbian, im not gay, im not queer, im not a demiboy im not a demigirl im not genderfluid… I DONT CARE!!

And im okay with that now. It just makes me really mad because i know one day my parents will find out about me, whatever i am, and theyll either hurt me or disown me. Most likely both. I wish it didnt matter to other people.

Somehow ive been holding on to this dream that ill go back soon, that any day now we’ll pack up an leave [current home continent] and go back to the [original home country].

But that’ll never happen. Bc my family there disowned my family, because my parents hate me, because everything is unfair. I hate my parents so much it hurts me to the core. I hate them so much i wish they never  had me.  Why am i being punished? Why cant i communicate  with my own parents, because their parents didnt love them? Because they were never taught how to talk, only to shout, and hit when someone shows their emotions.

Years ago when i was sad id go to my mum and she’d comfort me. Now, if i go to her we just argue and she pushes me away, so the only other thing i have to do is cut myself.

I did it, (talking to someone you trust) and i told her about how i never stopped cutting hoping she would help me stop. It took me WEEKS to build up to courage to do that, and it was all for nothing. She never did help me stop. Or even keep tabs on when im depressed. She took one of the 3 blades i have in my room, never even thinking that i could be hiding more, she doesnt even notice the brand new scars and cuts on my arms and thighs ever week. She simply doesn care enough. Sometimes i wear long sleaves for a week straight (in the hot [current home continent] sun) and she still doesnt connect the dots. Shes an idiot.

If i come to her crying, she says “what now!” Or yells at me to go away. I hate her. I hate her. I never thought id hate my mum almost as much as i hate my dad.  Its weird because normally i hate him. But recently he has been working hard( we even worked on a prodject together.) Hes slowly realising some of the minor mistakes he makes with me, ( like never saying please and alwas demanding i make him food.) and correcting them. Hes FAR from perfect: manipulative, abusive, closed minded. But i can tell when he tries, at least with the minor things. Its my mum i cant stand, because she completely gave up. She blamed me for her depression, she stayed in bed all day for weeks, saying i was lazy even though i cooked and cleaned in her place.  (Im almost 14, I should be in school)

(To clarify though, me not being in school isnt my parents fault and i understand that. they are working so one day i can be in school, but if we went back to [home country], where school is FREE we wouldn’t have a problem in the first place. Thats what makes me so upset)

Leaving [our home country] was the worst decision of our lives ad no one see it. My 11 year old sibling cries without knowing why, just like i did before i started cutting myself to cope. And my idiot mother pushes her away. When it comes to how she feels, im the only one she can go to. I dont judge her for how she speaks, like my mum does, i dont call her annoying every time she tries to show me something. (She did that to me hours ago, ruining the excitement i was feeling.) She stays in bed all day deprssed, and i have to cook, babysit, or remind her to make food for us. Im not the perfect older sister by far, but im a better mother than she will ever be. I wont let my sister turn out like me, and i already see the signs. Shes doesnt know why she feels how she does, which is exactly how she felt when i was her age .

Since the day people broke into our house with weapons, my anxiety has been getting even worse. Even with simple things, my stomach starts the hurt and the palms of my hands ache, like a neverending hole in them. If something goes weong in ANYTHING i start to have a headache. When i tell my mum this she just says im “too sensative”.

After all this time i feel so upset like im finally at my limit. I want to give up. I want to do all the things i said Ill never do. I want to take drugs, get drunk, kiss someone, have sex for the first time, vape , wear makeup, dye my hair, cut myself till im covered in blood, then jump of a cliff and kill myself.

I know that i wont live as long as most people. Ive known since i was 12 that i was gonna kill myself one day.

Do you know how it feel to hate yourself? To look in the mirror and see someone you dont just dislike, someone you want to kill, to destroy. Im disgusted with myself. The tings ive done, the things people have done to me, the things i think about, they all make me want to die. Really die. Sometimes i want to die without really dying. Not recently.  Recently i really want to die.  I want to leave this boring earth, to stop existing once and for all. I realised, when my mum tried to kill herself that i cant for  the sake of my sisters. It was selfish of me to try and did in the first place. So I try to stay alive but the only way to do that is to cut myself, and im running out of places to hide the scars.
So much has happened to me that i sometimes wonder if im making it all up.

Side note.  While it still make me upset from time to time. I remember writing to you about my gender and sexuality, and you gave me the advice that it doesnt really matter. Then i saw a video where someone thought the same, they stopped caring about lables, and started accepting themselves regardless.
That advice kinda changed how i thought about it. I stoped caring too much about whether  i was technically bisexual or pansexual. I stopped worrying about why i wished i was a boy half the time. And i started accepting myself more for who i am. Im a person, and thats okay.  I only really write when im really stressed, or on the verge of a suicide attempt or a panic attack, so i never talk about how you’ve helped me. Youve kept a slither of hope alive in me, for almost 3 years now. And im just one person, but its more than anyone has ever done for me. You listened.
Thank you teencentral.

OUR FIRST THOUGHTS

• Thank you for your kind words and thank you for writing to TeenCentral, and sharing more of your story with us. The more that you share with us the more incredible it seems, everything that you’ve been through and everything that you endure on a regular basis. You have great courage to share these stories with people who can read them and benefit from them by knowing that they are not alone in some of the things that they are experiencing as well. So we want to thank you for putting all of this down on paper and then putting it into a story for TeenCentral’s readers.
• Also you should know that you are not alone by hopefully reading some of the other stories on the site and seeing that there are other youth in the United States and around the world who have also experienced great difficulties in their lives. It’s extremely important we remember that we are not isolated in our experiences even though it may feel that way sometimes. Other young people all around the world feel alone, and feel as though no one really understands the pain that they are suffering. But when you read all of the stories on this website you can see that is absolutely not true. The pain young people feel is universal even though the stories themselves may be slightly different from place to place and time to time. This is why TeenCentral exists. This is why we are here.
• I’m so sorry to hear that the person you chose to confide in ended up not being the right person to really support you. It’s very disappointing to learn that a person you chose to trust didn’t live up to your expectations. Do you think you have the strength right now to take the other razor blades out of your room and dispose of them? I ask this because it seems like the act of cutting is helping you survive, and maybe avoid the act of suicide for a time. But if you feel you do have the strength to do it, even without the help of the trusted adult that you hope to depend on; if you think you can throw them away, then please do it. Please stop mutilating your beautiful body. There are other ways that you can deal with the stress of your urges of wanting to die besides cutting yourself. There are other options.
• Try to think of it this way… Your body is like a temple that encases your soul. Your beautiful self is the home of your spirit, the part of you that is completely immortal. You want to take care of this home, and you want it to be strong and healthy. Your soul, or your spirit, is like the “real you”. The real you is your personality your identity, you’re “real self”. It needs a safe place to be when all of these other horrible dangerous and unsafe things are happening outside of your body. So it’s your job to keep the temple of your spirit safe and healthy. This is just a way to think about how we want to take care of our bodies when other people seem NOT to care about it. It’s not about “exercising” necessarily or being on a “healthy diet” necessarily; it’s more about how you engage in wellness for yourself. To get started you might want to take a look at the Wellness tab and the Relaxation tab on our website. Somehow we must find a way for the chaos on the outside of your body to be separate from CALM that can be fostered on the inside of your body and your mind. This is the only way you can begin to cope with everything that comes at you every day of your life.

A FEW MORE STEPS FORWARD

• As I read your stories over the past few months I’ve wondered do you believe in a higher power? Do you believe in any kind of God? Do you have any kind of spirituality in your life or faith? These things can be so powerful in a positive way if we allow them to be. When you are faced with the kind of hateful anger, violence, uncertainty, confusion, and all the other things you’ve been exposed to it must be easy to feel hopeless.  I can’t imagine dealing with all of that and not having a hope beyond this life. You mentioned dying and understanding the secrets of the universe. But what if you could have a solid faith or spirituality in your life now that could help you feel grounded and loved? What would that be like? You could start thinking and learning about these things now by checking out our spirituality tab on our website. The idea of spirituality and faith could be connected to what we were talking about above and your body being a temple for your soul.
• I know that we haven’t mentioned specifically a lot of the things that you have talked about in your story today. But I also know that you’re very familiar with our website and how to access the resources on our learn tab, tools tab and most importantly our help tab. The thing that’s most important today is for you to really think about your internal self, your “real self” and protecting that from the outside chaos that you are experiencing.
• Regardless of what anything anyone has said to you, you are a valuable person. You’re not a devil. You’re not a horrible person. Anything that has happened to you, or anything that you have done, is SEPARATE from who you are inside. You have to remember that. Taking your own life is an extreme and permanent solution to temporary problems. You will not be a young person forever. One day you will be grown and you will be able to make decisions for yourself. Please remember that. That time is fast approaching. Be hopeful.