Hello. Maybe you recognise me, (teencenteral councellor) maybe you dont. I hope you dont because of what im going to tell you. I think it ruins the person you may think i am. The writer, the wannabe actress. Writing for years to this website, and finally i think im ready to share something ive never told anyone before.
(Sorry for mistakes, im rushing so my parents dont see me writing this. )
I just want you to know, i feel disgusting and wrong for what i did. I push it down everyday before it consumes me, but sometimes, mostly at night it comes out, and i try to kill myself.
I was 8 or 9 maybe… i know its not an excuse. I dont know when or how exactly it happened. But i was assulted,then i did it with my sisters and cousins. I cant say i thought it was okay because i think apart of me knew it wasnt. I hid it from my parents, so i must have known .
This older girl i knew used to touch me, and showd p*rn and how to hide it from my parents. I did stuff with my sister and cousins, (not forcing them btw) i guess it felt fun and new. It WAS 100% consentual and i never forced anyone to do anything. But it still feels so wrong. The fact that we were such little children, it feels like i assulted them. We were the same age. It wasnt one sided. They wanted to explore like i did, but i still feels like i did this. Like I ALONE made this happen. An ive pushed it down for so long, idek whats true or not.
The older girl who taught me, lets call her A.
I remember one day we were playing a game with teddies and toys. She got a playphone and said to me something about watching a show. She was talking about p*rn. And soon she watched it with me in real life. Did some of the gross things with me too. It feels like im blaming it on her. I dont think she meant to do this. Its my fault.
I consider myself lucky. Ive never been assaulted. Ive never been raped. But then i remember. Then i hate myself even more then i already do. I push it down so hard that i forget my stepbrother kept kissing me. Kissing my sister. I forget about what A did. I forget about the story my parents told me. About how years ago i used to say i had s*x with someone. HOW did i even know what that was? I was 7-10 maybe? It doesnt make sense. How is it that before what happened with A, I came to my parents saying i did that? Why didnt they do anything? Why do i remember anything. What if i was raped? It would explain why ive always been so scared around men. Why i start to shake around them. It DOESNT . MAKE. SENSE.
All this goes on inside me head. All this doubt. Pain. Im a book writer if you couldnt tell. Writing helps me. But not as much as cutting does. Ive tried to stop. When my parents found out they shamed me. Punished me. Ive kept it secret. I cant go clean for more than a week or 2. I had my first panic attack last week. First i was fine. Then i thought about my dad hurting mum again. Then i thought of all the bad things that could happen. It was like i stopped breathing. Like my lungs only had a little bit of space for air left. I was sobbing and hiting my chest with my fist. Trying to get my breath back. Its happened before. Never this long though. Neve this intense. Normally i stop i before it turns into a real attack. But i couldnt stop breathing fast. I couldnt stop crying.
Its MY FAULT. The guilt eats me up inside and i cant take it. I feel so sick all the time. EVERT NIGHT i get headaches, and i swallow pills that do nothing. I dont sleep till 6. And i have to wake up early somedays. Im not in school, so i sleep the rest. When i look at myself in the mirror, i want that disgusting person to die. I try to kill them. I go online to find out whats wrong with me. And all the articles i read say i have depression, anxiety, bpd. It feels like im faking it. I want a therapist to tell me the truth but Even if i got therapist, i could NEVER tell anyone about this. It would kill me. Even more than its already killing me. Ive tried 4 times to die. And theres so much other bad stuff in my life. My parents blame me. Hate me. I cant take it. What do i do? You probably think im disgusting. I AM disgusting. What if i wasnt lying and i was assulted? What if thats why i thought it was so normal. My brother assulted me and my sister before i left the country last year. It could have happened when i was younger too. IDK WHAT TO DO. I am a disgusting monster just like him. I want to die so bad the feeling it kills me.
Im bi, and im not a girl, not a boy . Idk what i am. Ive always known i was bi. I used to think everyone was. But what if im bi BECAUSE of those experiences, what if its because i did those things, that i think i have an attraction to girls. It just make it so confusing. I feel like a fake. I dont remember my early childhood, im 13 rn. What if i was always so disgusting?
This is stupid i know. But sometimes it feel like im a person, trying to deny my fate as someone who was raped, someone who was assaulted, someone who assaults others . I know im disgusting. I know im wrong. You dont understand. I dont just feel bad , i feel like i should PAY for what ive done with my life.
I’ll never know the truth. Ill never know if i did this myself, if i was raped. Why i was assulted . Why i did it to other people. Why i thought it was okay. Why my dad hates me. Why im gay. Why i can never be truely nice to my sister. Why my parents say i bully her, why that not true, when i love her more than i love myself. Why no matter how hard i try, im mean, i hurt people, i hurt myself. I cut myself.
(I feel like im about to throw up. Im scared to press the submit button lol. Please dont hate me. I already hate myself. Please try to understand even a little bit. Thanks for reading, sorry its long long. I spent an hour writing. And not i cant even press submit. Im scared. Its stupid but im scared. Ive never told anyone. What if you (teen centeral) hate me? Id have none to talk to. Okay in gonna press it. That was stupid. Sorry. Thanks for always listening to me for years. )
LET’S TAKE A MOMENT
- I want you to know we believe everything you are saying and there is NOTHING here that makes us hate you or think less of you. The counselors and therapists at TeenCentral have been working with young people just like you for many years. We know that many of you have had horrific experiences that make you feel unloved – unlovable – and at fault for things that have happened to you. We have a passion for all of you and we take a step back. We SEE YOU for who you are. So for a moment I want you to rest in the belief that you are not hated here. No one sees you as disgusting here. We only see a beautiful soul who has been badly harmed.
- If you are feeling a panic attack or anxiety right now as you read try this. Take your arms and place them low behind your back. Clasp your hands together behind your back and just breathe normally. If it’s hard to that then clasp your hands behind your head and do the same. Just breathe normally for a minute or two. Don’t try to take huge deep breaths. Just breathe normally. If this is super easy for you then try a more challenging exercise by CLICKING HERE.
- Based on the stories you have shared with us over time it does not surprise us that you struggle with anxiety and panic. Your situation is extremely complex. You mentioned in your story “if I ever get a therapist”… have you thought any more about that? We certainly will always be here for you for support. However, a therapist would be able to give you even more support than we can, and we would still be here as well!
LET’S SORT OUT SOME ISSUES
- I sense a great deal of distress from you about the sexual exploration that went on between your siblings and cousins and the older girl you call “A”. I’m not sure how old “A” was at the time of these games and exploration but from the way you describe your experiences it sounds like something that often occurs among children of the same relative age (within a few years of each other). While I’m not going to tell you that all of these activities were “no problem at all”, I am going to tell you that they were most likely very “NATURAL”.
- However, you also shared a bit about your brother’s assault on you and your sister which was most definitely NOT OKAY AT ALL. And you sense that possibly you may have had an experience even before your natural explorations that you don’t quite remember, perhaps with your brother. This also would NOT have been okay. But this part also is NOT your fault. There’s no way you would have been old enough to give your consent to someone older than you like that and it’s most probable that he intimidated you into the activity in some way (depending on the age difference). So these two things are different. The natural exploration you had, none of which was forced on anyone, among young children – that’s all quite natural. And most of the time if parents come upon this behavior we do stop it and teach children how to safely explore their bodies rather than involving others. The involvement with your brother was quite something different. Do you understand?
SOMETHING NEW TO DO
- You have been exposed to a tremendous amount of trauma in your young life. I know that you write a lot and think this is a good and important source of healing for you. But I’d like to suggest something to add to writing because sometimes a person can get lost in words. If you keep thinking over and over about the things that have happened to you in the past it’s almost like they are hurting you again, even when they are not. That’s the last thing we need, right? So add a different kind of journaling into your practice. Every once in a while add art journaling.
- Begin exploring with images instead of words, colors of the world around you. Use bits and pieces of nature or what ever you can and make shapes of animals or things from your imagination. Watch videos on THIS CHANNEL to learn more about how. You can also read a blog on TeenCentral about the topic if you like – CLICK HERE.